Asa. Jay Crownover

Чтение книги онлайн.

СКАЧАТЬ blame me, Saint.”

      She sighed and let go of my arm. “That’s what I figured, but eventually you’ll have to get over that. How’s the investigation going?”

      That was a topic I wanted to talk about almost as little as I wanted to talk about how Dom had ended up in his current, broken state.

      “It’s going. Internal investigations are always complicated when there’s an officer death involved.” And it was complicated because I was actively avoiding all the things I was supposed to be doing to help myself out. There had been other officers on the scene. There were witnesses from the neighborhood. Dom had given his statement and so had the partner of the officer that hadn’t made it. All the stories matched and laid out the facts that I had done nothing wrong, that there was no fault on my part, and that the kid I had been forced to shoot was going to keep pulling the trigger until everyone in a uniform was out of his way, but I didn’t feel cleared. I felt dirty and unqualified. Not because I had pulled the trigger, but because I had pulled it too late.

      “I’m sure everything will work out for you in the end. Is the department making you talk to someone? That’s a pretty intense situation to work through on your own.”

      Saint was big on processing feelings. I think that’s why she was so good in the crisis situations she handled every day. She powered through all the tragedy and stress while she was at work, compartmentalized it all, then came home and let it all out so it never had the chance to fill her up and take her over. I wasn’t that great at letting it all go. In fact, as of late, I was holding on to everything that affected me on the streets in a death grip. I guess I thought if I held on to it, no one else would have to deal with the yuck of it all.

      “I’m supposed to go tomorrow.” Supposed to being the key. If I could find any excuse to skip hearing a shrink tell me I was just suffering from survivor’s guilt, I was going to latch on to it. I had screwed up. I knew it and I didn’t need anyone to lead me to that conclusion, but if I wanted back on the job I was going to have to bite the bullet and force myself to go lie on some stiff leather couch and get my head shrunk.

      Saint stopped when we got to my 4Runner and tilted her head as she regarded me solemnly. I stared back at her because I valued her and the honest friendship she offered too much to just dismiss her concern.

      “Go. Listen to what the psychologist has to say. You don’t have to go through whatever this is alone, Royal.”

      She reached out and gave me a one-armed hug, which I returned stiffly. Whatever this was, it was clearly not only affecting me at this point.

      When we pulled apart I gave her a lopsided grin and told her, “I tried to get Asa to go home with me again last night.”

      She lifted one of her rust-colored eyebrows at me. “Again?”

      I wrinkled up my nose and pulled open the door to my old SUV. “He keeps telling me he’s not interested. Maybe he just doesn’t like me.”

      She gave a delicate snort and moved to zip up her coat as the wind picked up and turned the winter air into something hovering on the edge of unbearable.

      “Of course he likes you. Maybe he can just tell that you don’t like you very much right now.”

      I scowled at her but didn’t argue. I didn’t like myself so much at the moment. I lifted up the sleeve of the hoodie on one arm and showed her my wrist, which made her gasp in shock. “I had too much to drink and got myself into something I shouldn’t have. Asa pulled me out of it and then took care of me until I was sober enough to get myself home.”

      “Nash says even with all the stuff from his past, Asa really is a pretty decent guy.” Saint sounded unsure of the truth in that though.

      I just shrugged and turned on the car. It was freezing and the motor took forever to heat up enough to do any good.

      “Decent is boring if it means I can’t even get to first base with him.” I sounded petulant and frustrated, which made her shake her head at me.

      “I think you’re looking for trouble on purpose.”

      Her warning fell on deaf ears. I was looking for trouble, but trouble wouldn’t look back, so it was a moot point anyway.

      “I’m looking for something, and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that.”

      “No, there’s not, but when you have your shield back and you’re in uniform again the game changes, Royal. You might want to consider that.”

      I didn’t want to think that far ahead. I didn’t want to think about any of it at all. I grumbled under my breath as Saint took a step back so I could close the door.

      “I’ll call you Monday after I talk to the shrink, if I do, and I’ll tell Dom you said hello.”

      “Dominic loves you no matter what, you know.”

      I nodded, and for the second time that afternoon I felt tears well up in my eyes. “That’s what makes all of this so much worse. I’ll talk to you later.”

      She gave a little wave and headed over to her own little Jetta that would heat up and defrost a million times faster than my old tank. I could afford something newer and sleeker but the 4Runner had been with me since I was a teenager and there were so many good memories tied to it I couldn’t stomach the idea of letting it go.

      Dom did love me and I loved him. He was everything to me. He was my guiding light, my voice of reason, Dom was without a doubt my hero, and more than that he was the one that always was there to remind me that I had a purpose beyond being a pretty face. If it hadn’t been for Dom, there was a good chance I would have bought into my own hype early on when it became clear that the genetic gods had been giving with both hands when it came to my physical attributes. Dom was always the one that reminded me I was worth so much more than being a piece of arm candy or mindless fluff. I was smart, I was capable, and I wanted to make a difference. If I hadn’t had Dom to believe in me, to push me, I never would have reached the goals I set for myself. If it wasn’t for Dom reminding me of my worth, there was a good chance I could have ended up just like my mother.

      The very thought made me shiver.

      I loved my mom, I really did, but I had zero patience for her deplorable choices and the way she burned through men like it was a competitive sport. My mom had always been more like a best friend than a parent. She loved me unconditionally, I was her whole world, but I wasn’t enough to fill up the hole that was left when my father didn’t leave his wife to be a family with us. My mom never got over the rejection, and as a result was constantly chasing down true love and looking for validation from men in all the wrong places.

      My mother was a stunner, so I came by my good looks naturally. She was also an habitual adulterer and had been through so many marriages and relationships that I stopped counting before I got out of my teens. When I was younger I thought it was embarrassing and it made me uncomfortable. As I got older I realized she simply wasn’t happy, had never been happy, and as much as she loved me and doted on me, I was never going to be enough to fill the void she had in her heart. I learned to accept the relationship we had, not ask questions, and just tried to support her like she had always supported me. Even if the majority of her decisions when it came to the opposite sex made me squirm in my seat, I loved the mom I had, every flighty, flirty inch of her.

      It was because СКАЧАТЬ