Shall We Sing a Song For You?. Alex Shaw

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СКАЧАТЬ love for a steak sandwich-making woman. The beauty in this tune is that each tribute is never longer than two lines, making it instantly recognisable among those in the stands.

      Score in a brothel! You couldn’t score in a brothel!

      Score in a brothel! You couldn’t score in a brothel!

      [We’ve all been there. No, not a brothel – on the terraces when a serial opportunity-squanderer misses the target once again. Victims in the past include Diego Forlan, Ade Akinbiyi, Didier Drogba (before he turned decent), Peter Crouch and many more.]

      Small town in… [insert name of hated village/town/city/county/country here]

      You’re just a small town in…

      Small town in…

      You’re just a small town in…

      [Typical chant taunting a club’s stature. Arsenal fans sing ‘You’re just a small town in Fulham’ to Chelsea supporters.]

      One [insert player name…]

      There’s only one…

      One…

      There’s only one…

      [General admiration for a player. A quick glance at the electoral register would prove most supporters wrong when they sing this, but we get the point. Hull fans brilliantly sang ‘One Gordon Ramsay’ at Norwich in 2006 as they mocked Canaries supremo and top chef Delia Smith.]

      Live round the corner!

      You only live round the corner!

      Live round the corner!

      You only live round the corner!

      [Mainly sung to Manchester United fans when they are at an away match in London. The song plays on the stereotype that half the United supporters in the country live in London and only started following the team when they started to become successful in the early 1990s.]

      Down in a minute!

      We’re going down in a minute!

      Down in a minute!

      We’re going down in a minute!

      [Gallows humour from fans witnessing their team on the verge of relegation.]

      Gone Christmas shopping!

      You should’ve gone Christmas shopping!

      Gone Christmas shopping!

      You should’ve gone Christmas shopping!

      [Festive fixture going to plan? Sing this to your rival supporters.]

      Juan Pablo Angel!

      There’s only Juan Pablo Angel!

      [Well done, Aston Villa. Great word-play from the Villains, saluting Columbian striker Juan Pablo Angel.]

      Sing when you’re winning!

      You only sing when you’re winning!

      [A sly dig at fair-weather football fans who only seem to become vocal when their team is doing well. During a World Cup qualifier in 2008, Scotland supporters sang ‘You only sing when you’re whaling’ to Norway!]

       WHILE WE’RE ON THE SUBJECT OF SINGING…

      When your team’s 3–0 down, it is more difficult than usual to belt out your favourite terrace tunes with the same fervour as you would if the scoreline was reversed. And, of course, it takes mere seconds for rival fans to sense your growing discomfort. We’ve all been there:

      Can you hear the [team] sing? [Whoa! Whoa!]

      Can you hear the [team] sing? [Whoa! Whoa!]

      Can you hear the [team] sing?

      I can’t hear a fucking thing!

      Whoa!

       MY GARDEN SHED

      It can be a traumatic experience standing in the away end at Brighton’s Withdean Stadium. The stadium – the term is used loosely – is the Seagulls’ temporary home until they move to their state-of-the-art ground in Falmer.

      The away ‘stand’ is about 20 yards away from the pitch and the stadium itself can hardly be described as expansive. So the following chant gets a fair few minutes of airtime at the Withdean and it also crops up across the country whenever fans visit stadiums that are a little on the small side:

      My garden shed! (My garden shed!)

      Is bigger than this! (Is bigger than this!)

      My garden shed is bigger than this!

      It’s got a door and a window!

      My garden shed is bigger than this!

      [To the tune of ‘When The Saints Go Marching In’.]

       CONTINUING THE TUNE…

      Football fans are always eager to proclaim their hometown to be the best, which is why this chant earns its inclusion in the list. Feminists look away now… plenty of teams sing this one, but we’re using West Ham as a typical example:

      Oh east London! (Oh east London!)

      Is wonderful! (Is wonderful!)

      Oh east London is won-der-ful…

      It’s full of tits, fanny and West Ham!

      Oh east London is won-der-ful!

       HEY JUDE

      As you can see, simplicity and rhythm are key for a chant to work. And you can’t get simpler than this take on the Beatles’ ‘Hey Jude’. The end word of the song can be the name of your town, club or your favourite footballer – whatever fits. So:

      Na na na na na na na, na na na na… The Gills!

      [The Gills refers to Gillingham.]

       ‘GIVE US A WAVE’

      Nice one, this. Usually sung СКАЧАТЬ