Welcoming Your Second Baby. Vicki Lansky

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      Your first step, obviously, is to announce that the baby’s on the way. The “whens” and “hows” of this depend not only on the age of your first child, but also on that child’s interest in the event and relative maturity. Each child will handle the news differently, in his or her own unique way, no matter how you prepare your child. And the child who is initially pleased about becoming a big sister or brother may have a change of heart once the baby is born, or even six months after that.

      No matter what your child’s age, don’t be surprised, if after you share the big news, your child just drops the subject for a while.

      Exactly when you tell your child will depend to a large extent on the child’s age. A pregnancy that seems long enough to you will be a lifetime to a child whose concept of time is still fuzzy.

      We worry not only about our child’s acceptance of the new baby, but also about our own. (Will I ever be able to love this child as much as my first one?) We fall in love with each child in a different way and at a different pace. Don’t worry. It does happen in the natural sequence of things.

When to Share Your Great News With Your Child

      • Ideally, tell a preschooler about two or three months before the birth, but realistically, you’ll be sharing the news once you’ve made it public. You may be pushed into telling an observant child who notices that Mom is getting “fat.”

      • Don’t tell any child until you’re ready for the whole world to know. A child can’t be expected to keep such a secret.

      • Be careful of telling a child too soon, in the event of a miscarriage. The child might feel responsible in some way for the loss of the baby. If you decide to tell the child right away, be sure to offer full and honest explanations if problems arise later.

      • Don’t wait too long to tell any child. He or she may overhear you talking about your pregnancy, or a friend or neighbor may let the word slip. Your child could become unduly worried because you’re always tired or occasionally sick without explanation. The boredom of waiting a long time for the baby to come is not as bad for the child as is the feeling that something strange and secret is going on.

      • When explaining to a young child about when the baby is due, tie the birth to an event instead of to a month or week—“after Christmas,” or “during your spring vacation from nursery school”—but don’t pinpoint it too exactly.

Preparing Your Child for Life With a New Baby

      • Don’t tell a child of any age how he or she is going to feel about the baby. Statements like “You’re going to love the baby,” and “You’re going to have lots of fun playing with the baby and helping me care for the baby” may express your heart’s desires, but might only serve to irritate your child or set him or her up for conflict if your child doesn’t feel the way you predicted.

      • Stress the positive and give your child a feeling of status by saying things like, “You’re going to be a big brother,” rather than, “You’re going to have a baby brother or sister.”

      • Take advantage of the unknown sex of the baby to encourage nonsexist thinking by pointing out that “Girls can _____ too,” and “Boys can ______ too.” (You may see a bit of jealousy already developing if your child wants the baby to be of the opposite sex from himself or herself.)

      • Stress the fact, especially to a young child, that the gender of the unborn baby will be a surprise. (If you have had an ultrasound, sonogram or an amniocentesis and already know the baby’s sex, that’s a different matter!)

      • Let your child fantasize about the baby by drawing pictures of how he or she thinks it will look. The drawings may offer you an opportunity to correct misconceptions or provide explanations.

      • “Borrow” a baby, or babysit one regularly, with two thoughts in mind. First, your child will see how infants act and how much care they need, and second, you’ll have a chance to practice having more than one to care for. (And perhaps the other mother will owe you some babysitting time when your second baby is born!)

      • Better yet, expose your child to more than one infant. Young ones, especially, sometimes have trouble imagining a sibling similar, but not identical, to a baby they’ve seen.

      • Let your child see a nursing mother, if possible, so that if you breast-feed, it won’t seem strange.

      • Don’t let the child think the newborn will be a playmate; be clear about the fact that they do little but eat, sleep, and cry.

      • Talk about the different things your older child will show or teach the new baby once it is “out.”

      • Share child care with your spouse (if you don’t already) so your child won’t expect mother’s care exclusively.

      • Point out pictures of newborns in magazines to prepare your child for the way an infant looks. Explain that babies have no teeth, and that there will be a scab where the umbilical cord was.

      • Also point out older babies, to let your child know that newborn babies do change as they grow.

      Know that giving rational explanations of an impending future event to a child under the age of two will not be understood.

       Creative Art Projects for You and Your Child to Make to Welcome the New Baby

      • A WELCOME SIGN to put up the day the baby comes home. When you know the name, use it—or add it—on the sign.

      • ANNOUNCEMENT art: a sign for the house, a note for neighbors and friends, etc.

      • QUIET, BABY SLEEPING signage to put on a door or hang from a door knob.

      • WALL ART to decorate baby’s room.

      • ART WORK to wrap gifts for the baby.

      • T-SHIRT MESSAGE. Using a plain white t-shirt, let a child decorate it or color on it after you first write with fabric paint any of the following:

      1. I’m (baby x’s) Big Sister/Brother

      2. I am the Big Sister/Brother

      3. I’m Going to be a Big Sister/Brother Soon (an announcement t-shirt)

Promoting Self-esteem for the New Big Brother or Sister

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