From Heartbreak to Heart's Desire. Dawn Maslar

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СКАЧАТЬ almost like we have a little mental checklist. We say, “Wow, he’s cute…check.” “My body desires him…check.” “He likes me…check. That’s enough: Let’s go!” And away we go, off to Heartbreak Land. And then, because we believe we have been called by fate, we may spend years trying to fix the relationship. We tell ourselves that, since our “attraction alarm” went off, he has to be “the one.” After the initial excitement wears off, and things begin to go awry, we try everything we know to figure out the magical formula to make this relationship work.

      I have shelves full of magazines telling me what kind of lipstick to buy and which kinds of clothes to wear. I have bought books with titles like How to Turn Him On and Keep Him and How to Get Him to Marry You. I’ve spent countless lonely and frustrated evenings wondering what was wrong with me. I have felt stuck and thwarted. After all, I knew from the start that he was the one, and if he would only realize it himself, we both could live happily ever after. I have believed the problem was that he just didn’t understand his role. The last thing that would have occurred to me was that the relationship was doomed from the start because of my broken picker.

      A broken picker is similar to a broken global positioning system (GPS) in a car. If the GPS is malfunctioning in your car, you will not arrive at the destination you seek. No matter what you do, you will end up in the wrong place. The GPS needs to be reprogrammed. Changing the “input” (such as the color of our lipstick or the way we dress, dye our hair, or prepare a romantic meal) changes nothing. Temporarily, it may appear we are heading in the right direction, but in the end we discover we are lost again. Our internal GPS (Guy Picking System) is very similar to an automotive GPS. It can malfunction, too.

      HOW DO YOU KNOW FOR SURE THAT YOUR PICKER IS BROKEN?

      You may suspect, if you’ve read this far, that your picker is broken. You can tell for sure by the men you attract and are attracted to. The men may differ physically and have other very different characteristics, but the bottom line is always the same—pain. To help you decide whether you have a broken picker that is keeping you in heartbreak instead of helping you achieve your heart’s desire, please take a look at these “types” of men who attract women whose pickers are broken. Of course, these are admittedly stereotypes, and as such are generalities. They are not meant to denigrate men as a gender or as individuals. But they are offered as types, to help you examine your own experiences and relationships against them. You may recognize some of the dancers in this ballet. (And I am sure you can add some more of your own.)

      1.Hit-and-Run

      You can spot this type easily by the mattress that appears to be strapped to his back. He is confident and sexy and knows it. His hair is perfect, his smell alluring, and his body is rock-hard. He has the uncanny ability to sweep you off your feet…and flat onto your back. As soon as he walks into the room your knees begin to weaken. He’s the one you know you should stay away from.

      This is a man who loves women…he’ll tell you so at every opportunity. And it’s true, he does love women—he loves women the way a cat loves birds. He’s Hugh Hefner personified, strutting around in his smoking jacket. You are repulsed, yet strangely attracted. You know if you get attached it will mean heartbreak, but you still find yourself compelled. You rationalize, “I’ll just use HIM for sex. It will be different with me. I’m a big girl. I know what I’m doing.”

      Afterward, you wonder what happened. You may have been warned by your friends—you may even have been warned by his friends. You knew that you knew better. And yet you still wake up one day in his bed. The excitement of this type of man is fleeting. Too late you realize he was operating according to a law known only to him, one that states: Once the conquest is completed, the game is over. You end up hobbling away from this type of man feeling bruised and foolish. And him? Like the song says, he’s “already gone.”

      2.The Teflon Don Juan

      This man is the most frustrating. He appears to want a relationship, but then carefully shies away from it. His aversion is so subtle that it leaves you feeling bewildered. He just can’t seem to make a relationship stick. He will commit, but for only fifteen minutes at a time.

      This man is confusing because he comes on very strong at first. He starts off burning hot, showering you with attention. But just as soon as he feels he has you, his attention wanes. He becomes a phone-o-phobe. He will call you (usually at 10:30 p.m. to see if he can come over), but don’t ever try to reach him. You will only get his voice mail. You’re his captive, patiently (or not so patiently) waiting for him to call. He doesn’t ever want to obligate himself by making plans. He says he will call you. Since he is the one you want to be with, you find yourself waiting for him…and waiting…and waiting. You spend hours wringing your hands, hoping he will call, and trying not to call him. You want to call, but you know you can’t call again. His cell phone has probably already registered the last fifteen times you tried, and you can’t bear to listen to his voice mail message one more time.

      3.What Was I Thinking? (WWIT?)

      You know this guy—you pull out some old school photos, and there he is, staring at you. Maybe he was dorky-looking or obviously clingy. At the time you thought he was so cute, so helpless; like a puppy. Then you woke up one day and smacked yourself on the side of the head, saying, “Oh, my God, what was I thinking?” Most likely you were not thinking. Or perhaps you interpreted his “dorkiness” or neediness as a sign that he needed you to change his life. Perhaps this man fed your illusion of your own importance. Or maybe he made you feel that somehow this relationship was going to make your life better. You ignored any signs to the contrary. We have the capacity to go to bed wildly in love, but wake up, look over, see the head on the next pillow, and scream (inwardly, of course), “WHAT WAS I THINKING?”

      4.The Savior

      The white knight, our savior, our knight in shining armor—there are many ways to describe this man, but the bottom line is that he has come to save us. He has come to rescue us from our dreary, tedious, mundane existence and whisk us off to Happily-Ever-After-Land. We love the Savior; he is here to provide us with much-needed shelter from a cruel and harsh world. We tend to find him charging in after a breakup or some other emotional anguish we’ve been through.

      The Savior helps us heal; he is exactly what we need in order to recover. He provides us with warmth, protection, and comfort. He’s wonderful. We love our Savior…for a time. We wish we could stay with him forever, but something happens. Slowly and subtly, our attention wanes. Where once we felt protected, we begin to feel smothered. Where once we felt comforted, we begin to feel restless, and where we once felt warm, we begin to get cold. So much perfection leaves us…bored. We start to wonder things like…is this it? Is this all there is? We start noticing other men and even picking fights, just to spice things up in our perfect world. Eventually we leave our Savior, sometimes in the middle of the night. Sometimes we even run away, directly to the waiting arms of his opposite.

      5.The Scoundrel

      This man is mysterious, exciting, and sexy as hell. There is an element of danger in being with him. Maybe he’s a biker or a James Bond type. You imagine being on the back of his bike, or sitting beside him in his sports car, the wind tossing your hair, causing a rush of adrenaline. He’s different, not one of those boring, everyday guys. You wouldn’t find him in a pair of baggy shorts, cutting the grass on the weekend. No, he has more exciting things to do.

      Wherever you find excitement, you will find the Scoundrel. He could be the lead singer in a band, a private investigator, or a millionaire playboy. Whatever and whoever he is, he takes your breath away. He makes you feel vulnerable, and you follow him subserviently, like a little lost puppy dog. But you soon find out he has a dark, hard, hidden coat of armor.

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