Weddings from the Heart. Daphne Rose Kingma

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      CHOOSING THE SETTING

      The location of your wedding is every bit as important as the words you say, the people who stand up for you, and those you invite to witness the ceremony. Wherever you choose, make sure it holds special meaning for you, that it's a place you'll want to remember and return to—if not literally, at least in memory—and not just one that's convenient or available. Place creates mood, and mood creates the quality of memory.

      Do you want a formal church setting? the ballroom of an elegant hotel? a beautiful outdoor park? a meadow at the edge of a cliff overlooking the sea? Do you want have it someplace special to you, such as the old inn where you spent your first romantic weekend, your parents' garden, or a holiday spa you'll love to return to?

      Also consider whether you want to hold the ceremony and reception at the same location. Combining them in one place certainly has benefits—it minimizes traffic and parking problems and saves time (and often money too)—but perhaps at the price of convenience. A couple I know had their hearts set on marrying in a pine grove, but they couldn't work out the logistics of serving food in the middle of the woods. So they chose to hold the ceremony in the grove, then the guests walked back to their cars and drove to a country restaurant for dinner.

      Bob and Paula choose to get married in her parents' living room. It was just before her father retired, and her parents were soon going to sell the family home. By having her wedding at the house, Paula marked the completion of her childhood and the beginning of her marriage in a wonderfully symbolic way.

      Don and Mary chose the small hotel with hot mineral springs where they had vacationed together. They gathered their dearest friends for an entire weekend of celebration and sharing. One friend led the group in yoga classes, another in creating a sculpture for the bride and groom, another in a moving community dialogue. The outdoor pool and sulfur springs encouraged people to drop their inhibitions and come into a heartful place. By bringing people together for an extended period of time, they created a beautifully bonded community that was there to shore them up with their blessing by the time the actual ceremony occurred.

      Laura and Steve chose their own backyard. By simply looking out the window at the rose garden where they had spoken their vows, they wanted to be continually reminded of the promises they made to one another and, on difficult days, to imagine that their friends and family were still out there celebrating and encouraging.

      Other potential locations include a private club, an art museum, a historical site, a botanical garden or vineyard, the chapel at a college or university, or the grounds of a beautiful public building such as the library or courthouse.

      It is only necessary to know that love is a direction and not a state of the soul. If one is unaware of this, one falls into despair at the first onslaught of affliction.

       —Simone Weil

      Once you've found a location you like, make sure you consider the size of the setting in relation to the kind of ceremony you're planning. Will your guests overflow an intimate chapel or be lost in a huge cathedral? If you have your heart set on inviting two hundred people, they won't all fit on your cousin's cabin cruiser. Of course, if location is more important to you than number of people, your choice of setting can help determine how many guests to invite.

      Be sure to investigate all the practical considerations: What is the rental fee? Are there additional fees, such as for cleanup or security? Is there ample parking? Dressing rooms with lights and mirrors? Churches in particular may have dress codes; are there restrictions regarding attire, flowers, candles, decorations, or music? What equipment—sound system, extension cords, decorations, runners and canopies, kneeling cushions—is available, and what will you have to provide?

      What is the policy regarding photography? Through whom are deliveries (flowers, musical equipment, gifts) coordinated? Is a rehearsal necessary for the ceremony? If so, when will it be held and how long will it take? Will there be any other ceremonies held there the same day? If so, how will conflicts be avoided?

      If you are choosing an outdoor setting, what will you do if it rains? What about bugs? Sun? Will people stand and, if so, is the ceremony brief enough? Is it quiet or is there a lot of background noise—cars, airplanes, caterers clanking dishes in the next room?

      If you're planning to hold both ceremony and reception in the same place, how will the ceremony end? In a church ceremony, the wedding party and guests all file out into a receiving line or on to the reception hall. But if the location requires that you stay in the same room as the wedding, what will you do? One possibility is to have the officiant declare at the end of the service, “I now invite you to come forward and congratulate the bride and groom.”