The Exceptional Seven Percent. Gregory K. Popcak

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СКАЧАТЬ with some form of values group (even a conflicted identification) is a necessary part of developing healthy identity strength.

      The Conventional husband and wife will use their membership or identification with such groups to sharpen their self-concept, clarifying the values that are important to them (although “values” at this stage tends to mean a particular political/social agenda rather than a marital imperative or a personal mission or code). Much of the Conventional couple’s involvement in their respective groups will involve the husband or wife comparing themselves to other members in the group to see how they measure up, a kind of psychosocial “keeping up with the Joneses.” This activity plants the seeds of accountability in the marriage (“I’m at least as good a spouse as so-and-so is.”) which, if allowed to blossom, will be the most important catalyst for moving the couple to the next stage on the pathway.

      4. Both the husband and wife must have negotiated at least the most basic communication differences between men and women. Conventional couples may occasionally fall into that “it’s a guy thing” or “it’s a girl thing” trap, but this is the exception, not the rule as with Shipwrecked couples.

      These are the most important attributes distinguishing Conventional marriages from their Shipwrecked counterparts, who are still struggling to figure out what to do with themselves apart from their marriage, and tend to have a mildly paranoid, self-protective attitude toward the world at large, especially organized groups.

      Conventional marriages are the first relationships on the pathway that are founded on love. The love here is warm and comfortable, though the degree of intimacy can be a bit shallow due to the Conventional husband and wife’s tendency to get lost in their own little worlds and do not attend enough to their marriage. In fact, the ultimate success of the Conventional marriage is dependent upon the couple’s ability to maintain their priorities and perspective. Doing this will prevent the number one threat to Conventional marriages: “growing apart.” (See chapters 5 and 7.)

      Besides growing apart, the other two problems that all types of Conventional couples encounter are domestic scorekeeping (whose turn is it to do what chore or how much of a contribution is a “fair” contribution to the marriage), and a game I call marital chicken. Marital chicken is reminiscent of the old game of chicken played in cars, in which two people drive toward each other at high speeds in an attempt to see who veers off first. Marital chicken is played when a husband or wife says, “I would be more romantic/sexual/attentive/ helpful/emotional/reasonable if you would only be more romantic/ sexual/attentive/helpful/emotional/reasonable, but I know you, you’ll never change.” Marital chicken serves the dual function of excusing spouses from changing anything about themselves while allowing each to feel self-righteous at the same time. As you might guess, marital chicken can be addicting.

      Conventional couples are susceptible to these games because, though they have a fair amount of identity strength, their identities can be said to be more in their adolescence. As such, Conventional husbands and wives fear “losing themselves” to the marriage and employ such games as self-protective measures. What Conventional couples must learn as they mature is that a truly strong identity cannot be lost or stolen. Such fears tend to say more about the weakness of the individual than they do about the potentially “oppressive” nature of either a marriage partner or of the institution of marriage itself. Considering all these factors, Conventional marriages tend to be moderately stable and moderately satisfactory.

      Now let’s explore the two varieties of Conventional marriages: Storybook and Star marriages.

      Storybook Marriages

      MARITAL THEME: Finding their place in a world of conservative values.

      This couples’s search for their niche will eventually lead them to seek greater involvement in groups such as community organizations or religious institutions that are considered to reflect traditional values. The marriage itself has a traditional structure to it, however. Unlike the Shipwrecked Materialistic wife who had no choice but to stay home, the Conventional Storybook wife has other options available to her but chooses to stay home because she believes that role is important. Her employment before marriage was usually thought of as something to do until she achieved her primary goal of marriage and family. (“Someday my prince will come.”) Though the Storybook wife may be publicly deferential to her husband, she definitely sees herself as the “woman behind the man” and will not hesitate to push him if she feels he is falling below his potential. The husband, for his part, is ambivalent about this pushing. On the one hand, he doesn’t like to be told what to do. On the other hand, he doesn’t mind being mothered.

      The Conventional Storybook husband is the breadwinner of the family, but he tries to be careful not to lord his position over the family like a Shipwrecked Materialistic husband would. One major issue the Storybook husband deals with is that since he gets so much of his identity from being a (insert family name/cultural identity here) he may have a difficult time standing up to mummy and daddy, even when his marriage depends on it.

      Spousal roles could best be defined as “semipermeable.” The Storybook husband usually solicits his wife’s opinions on the finances, but most of the time ends up explaining why his way is the best way to go. Likewise, the Storybook wife asks her husband’s opinions on the managing of the domestic front, but then explains why her way is the best. In general, the spousal roles in Storybook marriages are more distinct and well defined than those of more satisfied couples further up the pathway. However, they are not nearly as rigid and legalistic as the roles in Shipwrecked marriages.

      As I mentioned above, the primary danger to all Conventional marriages is “growing apart.” For the Conventional Storybook marriage, this usually means that the husband throws himself into work, while the wife throws herself into maintaining the home and caring for the children. One day, the couple wakes up to find that they are living parallel lives. The only way to prevent this is for the husband and wife to at least maintain some interest in each other’s worlds. This is difficult for some Conventional couples who can get a bit lazy about pushing themselves to share in activities with their mate that are not of great interest to themselves. Often what propels a couple through these selfish tendencies are the examples of other, more attentive married couples in the groups to which they belong. Conventional couples may be willing to ignore their own mate at times but they despise being found wanting by other members of their group. It is this accountability that—when it works well—reminds Conventional couples to care for their marriages. Those Conventional couples who belong to “values groups” that do not specifically support marriage run a considerably higher risk of divorce

      Now let’s look at the Storybook marriage’s estranged cousin, the Star marriage.

      Star Marriages

      MARITAL THEME: Supporting and maintaining each other’s place in the world.

      The only real difference between Storybook and Star marriages is that Star couples build their marriages around more liberal political beliefs, including feminism. Likewise, rather than seeking more active involvement in traditional religious and community organizations as their Storybook cousins do, the Star couple often get involved in professional and political organizations and community groups with a more liberal social agenda.

      The Star couple’s marriage is the thing from which the husband and wife can draw strength to go out and conquer the world. Proving themselves in the workplace is perhaps the single most important agenda for the Star couple. Their work may or may not be glamorous, but this is less relevant than the fact that “doing the best job possible” or “shining” at the office is personally important. The Star couple is susceptible to all the pitfalls of their Storybook cousins. Only the details differ. For example, the Star couple’s risk of growing apart is played out in both the husband and wife’s devotion to their work. If the couple is not careful to share some interests and schedule some time to be СКАЧАТЬ