Step into Your Moxie. Alexia Vernon

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СКАЧАТЬ version of that), then you are going to feel like somebody rubbed your internal organs with jalapeños. On the flip side, if you think I am built for greatness, then you are going to feel like you’re in the final two during the last five minutes of a reality show — and this time you know you are going to get picked — as the winner!

      The physiological sensation you experience as a result of your thought is not permanent. Dr. Jill writes that our physiological experience will last about ninety seconds. After these ninety seconds, we’ll have a new thought, and a corresponding new physiological experience. This is great news if we are adept at choosing higher-level thoughts during the many moments when we identify that our Critics, Cops, and Cheerleaders are producing physiological sensations that are mucking us up. Of course, for most of us, this is as simple as winning the Tour de France without doping. After those first ninety seconds, most of us go right back into the same Critic, Cop, or Cheerleader thinking, again and again, and our physiological responses go on loop.

      Think about the last time you got up to present an idea that deeply mattered to you. Undoubtedly you had the thought, I’m scared. (There was probably also a dirty adjective on the front or back side of scared.) Then your body reacted. Depending on your wiring, your heart rate may have sped up, your knees may have started knocking, or it may have felt like your large intestine swallowed your small intestine. Yum.

      Then, when your ninety-second physiological reaction was up, I’m banking you went, Oh, [insert your name]. You’re [insert the thought that triggers the same physiological response]. This pattern continued, endlessly, like a mockingbird calling out for its mate through the night and into the dawn. As a result, when you finally did speak, you were a hot mess. More specifically, you were in your head rather than in your body, the words you used may have been coherent but it’s unlikely they were particularly compelling, and you almost definitely failed to foster genuine connection with the person or people you were striving to make a positive impact on. You (we all) need an intervention — one you both create and execute. In other words, it’s not okay to do what I’ve been guilty of doing (what most of us have been guilty of doing), which is to read about a new behavior or strategy, say to yourself, Woah, that sounds ah-ma-zing, and then not do a darn thing about it.

      This intervention I’m about to share with you works. It’s simple. And really, like any habit that takes a bit of time to create (approximately twenty-one days if it’s a brand-spankin’-new habit and ninety to 120 days if it’s a habit that is replacing an existing habit, which this is), it simply requires a commitment to consistently practice it. And this new habit I’m asking you to create, your self-talk intervention, is inviting in the Coach to talk back, disrupt, and ultimately change the tone of the communication in your head. I promise, this isn’t woo — or high theory. It’s incredibly practical, and it works.

      The voice of your new soul sister and friend, the Coach, is curious. She asks you questions that empower you to see opportunities amid obstacles. This part is massively important, so let me repeat it again.

       Your Coach always asks questions.

      Sometimes, lots of questions. This empowers you to turn your inner monologues into dialogues, rewrite your mental script, and prompt feelings that support your most high-powered speaking. Your Coach, she is a great conversationalist. The more face time you give her, the more you will reclaim your role of protagonist in the narrative running in your head. Through this process, you’ll also be set up to address the source of your unproductive self-talk. Fear. A lack of worthiness. A nagging in-law. (FYI: I have very supportive in-laws, fortunately, but I’ve heard some stories.) Simultaneously, you will boost your self-confidence. And as a result, the way you feel in your body and how you communicate in it.

      I want to be very clear. While I want your thoughts to create feelings that lead you to be a confident and competent speaker, I am not telling you that you aren’t entitled to all your feelings, including the gross ones. When somebody constantly interrupts or belittles you, or you experience a devastating loss — a divorce, a death, a dance party gone wrong — punch your pillow, ugly-cry your way through a box of good chocolate, and hug everyone on your contact list who will let you. The only way through what you’re feeling is — wait for it — through what you’re feeling. What I want, as it pertains to your communication, is for you to liberate yourself from the unpredictable moment-to-moment physiological responses your self-talk is producing, particularly when it comes to high-stakes communication. Then and only then will speaking be something you look forward to doing, something you do well, and something that produces the results you want for yourself and others.

      So how do you translate all this into practice? In real time? How do you let your Coach talk back to your Critic, Cop, or Cheerleader? Well, for example, if you find yourself being in the audience of your Critic, you might be saying: I don’t have the credentials to apply for the director position in my department.

      When you invite the Coach in, she asks: What results have you achieved in your current role, and how do these make you uniquely qualified to fill this new role?

      If the voice you wrestle with the most is the Cop’s, she may poke at you with something like: You can stay in a j-o-b that you enjoy as much as a colonoscopy — or you can quit, move into your parents’ guestroom, and try the whole entrepreneurship thing. What’s it going to be? (Disclaimer: About two years into my business, and two years into my marriage, my husband, Steve, and I moved cross-country and lived in my parents’ guestroom for two years. We saved heaps of cash, and we bought our first home as a result. If this option sounds like defeat to you, know it actually wasn’t so bad for my hubs and me, or for my parents — or so they say.)

      Nonetheless, your Coach is bored by the narrow worldview of your Cop. Even if shacking up with family is what you ultimately decide to do, your Coach wants you to explore other options before settling on a decision. Therefore, she responds by asking, What are possible third, fourth, and even fifth scenarios I can consider? (Quit and take on some freelance jobs while building my business. Ask to go half-time in my current role so I can take on private clients two days a week.) It’s equally important that you invite your Coach in to pull your Cheerleader out of the clouds and back down into reality. Consider this self-talk messaging.

      It’s fine that you are hosting a big retreat during a weekend when both your husband (co-parent) and mother (backup childcare) are out of town. A toddler would make a fun playmate for a dozen women who’ve made a big financial investment to work with you. Yucko. If your Cheerleader is anything like mine, she can be as snarky as she can be sweet. In this case, you could (I did) deal with your equal parts crappy situation (and in my case, delusional impulse solution) by asking: Who are the people constantly offering to watch your daughter, and how can you send out an SOS and ask for some much-needed childcare coverage?

      I hope it goes without saying (but I like to dot my i’s and cross my t’s, so I’ll risk being what my uncle used to affectionately call me from time to time, an oracle of the obvious, and make it clear) — when your Coach enters the conversation and asks a question (and sometimes she may ask a few questions), you answer them. No, this doesn’t make you ripe for a psych evaluation. It means you are laying the foundation for stepping into your moxie — by empowering your communication from the inside out. You allow yourself to dialogue with yourself, as long as is necessary, until your Critic, Cop, or Cheerleader retreats and your Coach is left alone to host the show in your head.

      POWER UP YOUR INNER COACH

      Directions: As you’ve read this chapter, you’ve likely realized that your Critic, Cop, and/or Cheerleader has had a lot to say to you over the years. In your journal (or, if you prefer, you can download a worksheet at СКАЧАТЬ