The Expectant Father. Armin A. Brott

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      • Be aware that she needs plenty of rest and encourage her to get it.

      Irrational Fears

      At some point after the initial excitement passes, a surprising number of men find themselves experiencing an irrational fear that the child their partner is carrying is not theirs. Psychologist Jerrold Lee Shapiro interviewed more than two hundred men whose partners were pregnant, and found that 60 percent “acknowledged fleeting thoughts, fantasies, or nagging doubts that they might not really be the biological father of the child.” The majority of these men don’t actually believe their partners are having affairs. Rather, Shapiro writes, these feelings are symptoms of a common type of insecurity: the fear many men have that they simply aren’t capable of doing anything as incredible as creating life, and that someone more potent must have done the job. Most guys get over these feelings pretty quickly.

      Dads whose baby was conceived using donor sperm and aren’t biologically connected have their own kind of irrational fears. A lot of guys worry that they won’t be able to bond with their baby or that sperm samples have been switched and that they’ll end up with a child of a different race. Actually, the issue isn’t so much race as physical similarity. Most IVF couples don’t feel the need to make the circumstances of the pregnancy public. And, like any other dads, they hope their children will look like them—at least enough so that they won’t have to deal with the inevitable “Gee, the baby doesn’t look anything like you” comments. They may choose to tell the kids the true story of their birth later on. But that’s a topic we’ll tackle in the sequel to this book, The New Father: A Dad’s Guide to the First Year.

      STAYING INVOLVED

      Exercise

      If your partner was already working out regularly before the pregnancy, she probably won’t need any extra encouragement to exercise. And if her doctor approves, she can continue her regular fitness routine, and do pretty much any kind of working out she wants to (see “Workout No-Nos” on page 34 for some exceptions). Be aware, though, that some health clubs—out of fear of getting sued—may ask a pregnant woman to provide a letter from her doctor. If your partner wasn’t physically active before pregnancy, this isn’t the time for her to take up rock climbing or start training for a marathon. That doesn’t mean, however, that she should spend the entire pregnancy on the sofa. Getting exercise is critical (the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention—CDC—recommends thirty minutes per day of moderate exercise). It will help improve her circulation and keep her energy level high.

      Exercising during pregnancy may also help your partner keep her weight gain steady and reasonable, help her sleep better, improve her mood, and reduce some of the normal pregnancy-related discomforts. Plus, it will improve her strength and endurance, both of which will come in very handy during labor and delivery. Researchers James Clapp and Elizabeth Noble found that women who exercise during the pregnancy have shorter labors and give birth to healthier babies. Others, including Bradley Price, have found that exercise may even lessen the chance that your partner will deliver prematurely, have complications during labor, or need a Cesarean section.

      Finally, there’s Canadian neuroscientist Dave Ellemberg, who found that compared to couch-potato expectant moms, pregnant women who did twenty minutes of moderate exercise (leading to slight shortness of breath by the end) three times per week had babies with “more mature cerebral activation.” Translation: their brains developed more quickly. Ellemberg believes that those babies could “acquire speech more rapidly” and reach developmental milestones sooner.

      But because pregnancy can make even the buffest woman feel a little run down, she may not always feel like working out. One way to help motivate her to get the exercise she needs is to work out with her. (See below for a list of good activities you can do together.) The most important thing is to start easy and not push her if you see she’s feeling tired or winded. If your budget doesn’t permit joining a gym or a health club, you can always buy pregnancy workout DVDs or even download pregnancy exercise apps to your phone.

Workout No-Nos

      • High-impact sports. I’ve spoken with dozens of OB/GYNs over the years and have yet to find one who seriously believes that it’s possible to induce a miscarriage by ordinary falling—especially in the first trimester. Severe, sudden impacts such as car crashes can sometimes cause a miscarriage, though. Same with sudden starts and stops, such as might occur on a roller coaster. That said, it’s a good idea to limit or avoid high-contact sports, like boxing, hockey, or roller derby.

      • Any sport that might cause her to take a hard fall. This includes horseback riding, in-line skating, ice skating, and, starting in about the seventh month, bicycling. For a nonpregnant person, taking a tumble doing one of these sports could be dangerous. For someone who’s having balance issues, the risks are even greater.

      • Downhill skiing. Unless you’re an expert, don’t, and even then take it easy. My wife skied when she was seven months pregnant but avoided the most challenging runs, where she’d have risked a serious fall. Unless your partner’s doctor prohibits it, cross-country skiing should be fine.

      • Scuba diving. The fetus can’t decompress like adults can.

      • Heavy lifting. This can put unnecessary pressure on internal organs.

      • Overdoing it. If she can’t carry on a normal conversation while exercising, she’s working too hard.

      • Overheating. Your partner shouldn’t overdress, and she should keep her workouts moderate. Remind her to take plenty of breaks and drink lots of water before, during, and after the workout.

      • Hot tubs / steam baths / saunas. During the first six to eight weeks of the pregnancy, it’s best to stay away from anything that could raise your partner’s body temperature above 102°F (39°C). To cool itself, the body moves blood away from the internal organs—including the uterus and the fetus that’s inhabiting it—and toward the skin. After eight weeks, she should be okay. But even then, if she does decide to slip into the hot tub, make sure she drinks plenty of water.

      One final word of advice: Do not panic if your partner did any of these things before you found out she was pregnant. First of all, there’s nothing you can do about it now, and torturing yourselves won’t undo it. Second, the chances are slim that anything she did will have an impact on the baby in any significant way. Just be careful from here on out.

      Whatever you do, remember that you and your partner will get the greatest benefit and least chance of injury if you exercise regularly—thirty minutes on as many days as you can—rather than sporadically. Here are some great ways of exercising together:

      • Walking—doesn’t matter whether it’s fast or slow, through your neighborhood, on a trail, or on a treadmill.

• Running—but do yourselves and your knees a favor: get good shoes and run on a soft surface.

      • Low-impact aerobics and low-impact exercise machines such as stair-steppers, treadmills, and bicycles.

      • Swimming, water aerobics, or snorkeling.

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