Barbara the Slut and Other People. Lauren Holmes

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СКАЧАТЬ dates,” she said. “There’s no way your dates are as bad as my dates.” She told me about this guy who was a regular at the restaurant. He turned out to be married with kids but took his wedding ring off when he went there to eat lunch. She said she didn’t like being the other woman but she couldn’t stop. Before that there was another guy. Her age, but a socially conservative Republican. They couldn’t talk to each other about anything but they also didn’t need to. They were always having sex. Then it turned out that he was not actually her age. He was still in college. He was the head of the campus conservatives, a group that we had not taken seriously when we went there.

      Back when we lived together I would have given her a lecture about both of these guys. Now I didn’t know what to say. It wasn’t like the lectures had worked. All of Beth’s lovers were basically the same. Good in bed but deeply morally flawed. In college she had been less discriminating, but she had developed this particular taste in the last four years. It seemed like she thought good men and good sex were mutually exclusive. They probably had been back in college. Good guys didn’t know what they were doing, and bad guys did. I didn’t do an anthropological study on this or anything. But I know that I thought I knew what I was doing and I definitely didn’t. The one nice thing that Tiffany did for me was to tell me that I didn’t know what I was doing, although I have never been more ashamed in my life. And obviously I didn’t improve quickly enough to not get cheated on. But Tiffany taught me that you have to assume you know nothing. I do think that makes me better in bed. At least less arrogant. Basically this is the most embarrassing thing I’ve ever thought about.

      I didn’t want to talk to Beth about sex, but I did want to tell her about the girls I had been meeting on the internet. I wanted to ask her if she thought I had tried hard enough and could give up. I had been on eleven first dates and two second dates. I had sex with two of the first-date girls. The first girl I wouldn’t have slept with, except her grandma died between when we were e-mailing and when we got together. When she halfheartedly suggested we go back to her place, I felt like I should take her up on it. I pretended I was really into it. There wasn’t anything wrong with her. But nothing made me feel drawn to her, other than how cheerful she was trying to be despite obviously being so sad. It ended up being very high energy, very good sex. But we both understood that that was that. The second girl I had higher hopes for. The sex was good in a more routine way, but I think she dated a lot. My friends might have called her a slut, but I didn’t have any friends. And when I was in high school my mom sat me down to talk about the word “slut” and to give me a general lecture about how to make her proud despite my being a man.

      That girl never called me back. But before I could talk to Beth about any of this, we got to SoHo.

      Beth wanted to go to the jeans store first. She tried on about a hundred pairs. She didn’t like the way any of them looked because she was still a little bit fat.

      “This brand does not fit well at all,” she said. “Maybe they fit Kelly but she’s a lot shorter than me.”

      Because Beth was thin and then fat and now almost thin again, it was like she didn’t remember being fat. She didn’t even act fat when she was fat. When we were living together she found out she had high cholesterol and said, “But I thought that was for fat people.”

      We left the store and walked down Greene Street. Beth grabbed my arm and took a couple of bouncy steps.

      “If I lived in New York, I would live in SoHo,” she said.

      “Oh really,” I said. “Do you even know how much apartments here are?”

      “They’re expensive, huh?”

      “They’re like four grand for a hundred square feet.” Sometimes Beth seemed to know nothing about how the world worked.

      “Well I like it here, it’s my favorite neighborhood.”

      “What other neighborhoods have you been to?”

      “I don’t know.”

      “You can’t even walk down the sidewalk, there are so many people. I like my neighborhood.”

      “I like your neighborhood too. Calm down. I don’t not like your neighborhood. I just like this neighborhood too.”

      “Fine,” I said. “Live here when you move to the city.”

      “Maybe I will,” she said.

      The sporting goods store didn’t really have any sporting goods. Unless you think stretchy clothes that cost more than a nice steak and a bottle of wine are sporting goods.

      I looked at the men’s clothes. When I got to the back of the store Beth was freaking out about some underwear. The girl who was helping her was looking through a rack of bras and Beth was jumping up and down.

      “These bras and shorts are special for hot yoga,” she said.

      “Those are shorts?”

      “Oh my god, I’m so excited.” She took a bunch of things back to the dressing room.

      I sat in the most comfortable chair ever.

      “What kind of chair is this?” I asked a different girl, who was putting hangers on clothes at a table.

      “What?” When she turned around I realized she was gorgeous. She had huge blue eyes and she was tiny. She looked like a little elf but without pointy ears and with a really nice body. The stretchy clothes fit her like a dream.

      “Never mind,” I said. “It doesn’t matter.”

      “What kind of chair is it? Do you want me to find out?” She had a killer smile, her teeth were perfect.

      “No, that’s okay,” I said. “I don’t know why I said that. I don’t need a chair.” I smiled at her.

      “Jason?” said Beth. “Do you want to see this stuff or not?”

      “Uh,” I said.

      “I love love love this stuff.” She opened the dressing room door and came out wearing a bra and the so-called shorts.

      “Please tell me you don’t go to yoga like that,” I said.

      Beth’s hair was coming out of the sides of the underwear. There was a lot of it. Once we reached the point where no amount of information was too much information, except any information about me having sex with Tiffany, Beth told me that the place she went to get waxed charged her extra. I mean I used to see her in underwear all the time. But now it was at eye level. It was not a good surprise. And it caused some involuntary stirring, which made everything worse.

      “Of course I do.” She stuck her tongue out and let it hang there. She turned around and went back into the room.

      “Tell your girlfriend I’ll be right back if she needs another size,” said the beautiful elf.

      I started to say, “She’s not my girlfriend,” but only got as far as “Sh—”

      “Thanks!” Beth said through the door.

      Beth came out. Another girl came over to take the things she didn’t want. Beth handed her everything.

      “What are you getting?” I said.

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