13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do. Amy Morin

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СКАЧАТЬ him into the therapist’s office, Jack stared silently at the floor. His mother began by saying, “We’re having such a hard time since this terrible accident. It’s really ruined our lives and caused a lot of emotional problems for Jack. He’s just not the same little boy.”

       To his mother’s surprise, the therapist didn’t respond with sympathy. Instead she enthusiastically said, “Boy, have I been looking forward to meeting you, Jack! I’ve never met a kid who could beat a school bus! You have to tell me, how did you manage to get into a fight with a school bus and win?” For the first time since the accident Jack smiled.

      Over the next few weeks, Jack worked with his therapist on making his own book. He appropriately named it, How to Beat a School Bus. He created a wonderful story about how he managed to fight a school bus and escape with only a few broken bones.

       He embellished on the story by describing how he grabbed hold of the muffler, swung himself around, and protected the majority of his body from getting hit by the bus. Despite the exaggerated details, the main part of the story remained the same—he survived because he’s a tough kid. Jack concluded his book with a self-portrait. He drew himself sitting in a wheelchair wearing a superhero cape.

       The therapist included Jack’s parents in the treatment. She helped them see how fortunate they were that Jack survived with only a few broken bones. She encouraged his parents to stop feeling sorry for Jack. She recommended they treat him like a mentally and physically tough kid who was capable of overcoming great adversity. Even if his legs didn’t heal properly, she wanted them to focus on what Jack could still accomplish in life, not what the accident would prevent him from being able to do.

       The therapist and Jack’s parents worked with the school faculty and staff to prepare for Jack’s return to school. In addition to the special accommodations he’d need because he was still in a wheelchair, they wanted to ensure that the other students and teachers didn’t pity Jack. They arranged for Jack to share his book with his classmates so that he could tell them how he beat the school bus and show them that there was no reason to feel sorry for him.

      Self-Pity Party

      We all experience pain and sorrow in life. And although sadness is a normal, healthy emotion, dwelling on your sorrow and misfortune is self-destructive. Do you respond positively to any of the points below?

      

You tend to think your problems are worse than anyone else’s.

      

If it weren’t for bad luck, you’re pretty sure you’d have none at all.

      

Problems seem to add up for you at a much faster rate than anyone else.

      

You’re fairly certain that no one else truly understands how hard your life really is.

      

You sometimes choose to withdraw from leisure activities and social engagements so you can stay home and think about your problems.

      

You’re more likely to tell people what went wrong during your day rather than what went well.

      

You often complain about things not being fair.

      

You struggle to find anything to be grateful for sometimes.

      

You think that other people are blessed with easier lives.

      

You sometimes wonder if the world is out to get you.

      Can you see yourself in some of the examples above? Self-pity can consume you until it eventually changes your thoughts and behaviors. But you can choose to take control. Even when you can’t alter your circumstances, you can alter your attitude.

      Why We Feel Sorry for Ourselves

      If self-pity is so destructive, why do we do it in the first place? And why is it sometimes so easy and even comforting to indulge in a pity party? Pity was Jack’s parents’ defense mechanism to protect their son and themselves from future dangers. They chose to remain focused on what he couldn’t do as a way to shield him from having to face any more potential problems.

      Understandably, they worried about his safety more than ever. They didn’t want him to be out of their sight. And they were concerned about the emotional reaction he might have to seeing a school bus again. It was only a matter of time before the pity poured on Jack turned into his own self-pity.

      It’s so easy to fall into the self-pity trap. As long as you feel sorry for yourself, you can delay any circumstances that will bring you face-to-face with your real fears, and you can avoid taking any responsibility for your actions. Feeling sorry for yourself can buy time. Instead of taking action or moving forward, exaggerating how bad your situation is justifies why you shouldn’t do anything to improve it.

      People often use self-pity as a way to gain attention. Playing the “poor me” card may result in some kind and gentle words from others—at least initially. For people who fear rejection, self-pity can be an indirect way of gaining help by sharing a woe-is-me tale in hopes it will attract some assistance.

      Unfortunately, misery loves company, and sometimes self-pity becomes a bragging right. A conversation can turn into a contest, with the person who has experienced the most trauma earning the badge of victory. Self-pity can also provide a reason to avoid responsibility. Telling your boss how bad your life is may stem from hopes that less will be expected from you.

      Sometimes self-pity becomes an act of defiance. It’s almost as if we assume that something will change if we dig in our heels and remind the universe that we deserve better. But that’s not how the world works. There isn’t a higher being—or a human being for that matter—who will swoop in and make sure we’re all dealt a fair hand in life.

      The Problem with Feeling Sorry for Yourself

      Feeling sorry for yourself is self-destructive. It leads to new problems and can have serious consequences. Instead of feeling grateful that Jack survived the accident, his parents worried about what the accident took away from them. As a result, they allowed the accident to take away even more.

      That’s not to say they weren’t loving parents. Their behavior stemmed from a desire to keep their son safe. However, the more they pitied Jack, the more negatively it affected his mood.

      Indulging in self-pity hinders living a full life in the following ways:

      • It’s a waste of time. Feeling sorry for yourself requires a lot СКАЧАТЬ