Only Fat People Skip Breakfast: The Refreshingly Different Diet Book. Lee Janogly

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       The Binger’s Psalm

       On the eighth day God created cellulite.

       And it came to pass that the Lord looked down upon His creation of the female form and lo, she was partaking overly of the Snickers bars and the cheese ’n’ onion crisps and much of the produce of the Häagen Dazs.

       And she gathered unto herself an abundance of flesh and became wide of hip and thigh and the Lord was mightily pissed off at what He saw.

       So the Lord summoned his trusty prophet Bulgythias and spake unto him: ‘Yo brother, dig these fat chicks! Go forth and tell ’em how it is, man.’

      So the prophet Bulgythias took upon himself the task of studying the word of the diet counsellor, as it is written in the mighty tome Only Fat People Skip Breakfast by Lee Janogly, and spake thus unto all womankind:

       ‘Heed my words, for if thou dost enter the portals of yonder Starbucks and order a full-fat caramel mocha latte with double cream topping, yea, verily thou shalt be great of girth and thick of thigh!

       ‘Yield not unto temptation. Seek ye not the fruits of the sugar cane but take unto thyself the flowering broccoli instead. As thou walkest through the valley of the Marks & Spencer car park and enter the holy portals of the food hall, choose thou wisely. Gather unto thee the fish and the fowl, the fruit and the veg, and forsake all products bearing the word "frosted". Leave behind thine vehicle and powerwalk around thine neighbourhood and, in time, thou shalt be rewarded with thighs that are a joy to behold—yea, a tight bum in Versace jeans shall be thine! And thine mate will be sent wild with desire, for your price is far above rubies (which doesn’t say much for Ruby, but still…)

       ‘So take heed of this wise counsel and thou shalt dwell in the House of the Slim forever. Amen.’

       Telephone Conversation with a New Client (NC)

      NC: Hello? Is that the diet counsellor? I hope you can help—I’m desperate! I’ve got three stone to lose and it just won’t shift. I’ve tried every diet going, hut nothing works. I tried not mixing protein and carbohydrate hut who can stick to that? You can’t have fish and chips, there’s no spag bol or burgers, so what can you eat? Then I tried that French guy’s diet where you can have lots of butter and cream but that didn’t work for some reason. Cabbage soup made me nauseous. As for the high-protein diet, people backed away because my breath smelt so foul and I couldn’t go to the loo. But at least trying all these diets has taught me lots about nutrition. For example, I know that you must only eat fruit in the mornings because the enzyme that digests fruit doesn’t work after midday…

      Me: Oh really?

      NC: Oh yes, didn’t you know that? Anyway, so I went to Weight Watchers but I ran out of points by lunchtime. Then I did Slimming World but I accidentally had a hamburger on a green day and I’m colour-blind anyway. I couldn’t work out that Zone diet, I haven’t got a Little Black Dress, I read through all the blood group diets and you can eat more or less the same on all of them so what’s the point? I really don’t know what to do.

      Me: Have you tried eating less?

      NC: What do you mean?