The Rules for Marriage. Ellen Fein
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Название: The Rules for Marriage
Автор: Ellen Fein
Издательство: HarperCollins
Жанр: Секс и семейная психология
isbn: 9780007542888
isbn:
Karen didn’t. Every week or two she asked Tim when he wanted to take the holiday and if he had called the travel agent. Tim kept coming up with excuses – work was busy, he didn’t know if he could get away, he’d call tomorrow, next week. Karen finally confronted him, ‘So you don’t really want to go to Italy, do you?’ Tim said, ‘Well, if you really want to …’ It was Karen’s lifelong dream to see Rome and eat in sidewalk cafés. She was going to go whether Tim liked it or not.
So she made the arrangements and they went! Although Karen started out enjoying the trip, each time she looked over at Tim’s glum expression she felt worse, to the point where she could barely enjoy her pasta or the beautiful museums. Tim was tense and so was she. Looking back, she wished she had let it go. She could have come up with a compromise holiday where they would have both relaxed and enjoyed it.
Tina lived in an affluent neighbourhood where just about every woman drove a luxury car. When it was time to buy a new car, she told her husband Jim that she wanted a Mercedes or something comparable. Jim thought it was silly to spend £20,000 more on a car just for the sake of status when they had university fees for two teens to worry about. Tina knew her husband was right but she couldn’t let go of her dream car, nor did she want her neighbours to think they weren’t well off. She’d grown up without many material things and now felt that she should have it all. After some soul-searching and a little therapy, Tina realized that her need to have a fancy car had more to do with a deprived childhood than anything else. So she told Jim to go ahead and buy another small, sensible car, which he of course appreciated; it was really the right thing in their situation.
If you are constantly at odds with your husband to have your own way on a particular issue, maybe it’s time to step back and think why you must have it and what it is doing to your relationship. More often than not, when you let your husband be right and try to make him happy, he turns around and reacts in kind – and both of you win.
Of course, some issues are more crucial than expensive homes and lavish cars and holidays. If that is the case, we believe you should fight for what you want as long as you can live with the consequences – an angry husband, tension at home or all-out warfare. You can’t fight about everything, so be choosy.
Caroline couldn’t compromise about her situation. She had two boys and desperately wanted a girl. She tried to convince her husband Pete to try to have a third child. She bought books about conceiving a girl and talked incessantly about it. Pete had always wanted two children. He didn’t care about the sex of the child, but he didn’t feel emotionally or financially comfortable having a third. We empathize with women in Caroline’s situation. Do you make yourself happy or do you make him comfortable?
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