The Rules for Marriage. Ellen Fein

Чтение книги онлайн.

СКАЧАТЬ is something deeply wrong. The fact is, sometimes a wife has to support her husband through graduate school or a layoff or career change; sometimes a husband has to be the sole breadwinner when his wife decides to quit work to be a stay-at-home mum. Sometimes you earn more, sometimes he does. So what? Aren’t you in this together? If you think in terms of ‘all for one and one for all’, there is no resentment or competition or need for separate accounts.

      There are of course extenuating circumstances for keeping your money separately – for example if you are divorced and have money from your first marriage that you are saving for your children, or if this arrangement is part of a prenuptial agreement. We have no problem with prenups. If either of you have made lots of money before you met, why shouldn’t you keep it? Besides, you’re marrying for love, not money, right?

Rule 6

       Accept that Some Things Are None of Your Business

      Every man has a few secrets or things he does that he does not want to be questioned about. As long as they are relatively harmless (i.e. not a drug addiction, alcoholism, compulsive gambling, infidelity or tax evasion), don’t demand that he tell you. You can gently feel him out to see if he is comfortable discussing any of the topics below, but if he wants his privacy, grant him that. (After all, you probably have a few secrets too.) Here are areas where it would be wise to mind your own business:

       His relationship with (or lack of relationship with) his family. Don’t ask him why he tells his mother everything or why he never talks to her. Focus on your own family – your relationship with your parents and children.

       How long it really takes him to get home from work. You know it takes 20 minutes, but somehow he doesn’t get home for a full hour. Don’t ask him why. He may have met a friend for a quick drink or had the car washed. He doesn’t want to have to account for every minute of his commute. Remember, the time between work and home is about the only time he has to himself all day. It’s the only time no one – not his boss, you, his kids, his clients – is bothering him, so let him enjoy it. So when he comes home a little late, don’t press him – just act glad to see him and enjoy your time together.

       Business secrets. Some men would rather not tell you exactly what they have to do to make a sale or succeed in business. We’re not talking about anything dishonest or illegal here. We’re just saying they don’t want to divulge the gory details of having to wine and dine a client to get their business or what pressure tactics they have to use. Your stockbroker husband doesn’t want to tell you how he gets people to invest their savings. Sometimes he would rather not relive the transactions – it’s enough to go through it at work! If your husband doesn’t volunteer details about his business methods, assume you’re not supposed to know.

       His health. Some men don’t go to a doctor or a dentist for years on end. They have a macho attitude or think, ‘If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.’ Maybe they don’t go because they don’t want to hear the doctor say, ‘Stop smoking, lose weight, exercise’ or anything else they don’t want to do. Some wait for a heart attack or an ulcer to go for a check-up. If you are married to a man who doesn’t take care of his health, you can nicely ask him if he’s due for a check-up, but do not nag him to go or make an appointment for him – you’re not his mother! His health is his business, even if he is your husband. If your husband is overweight, don’t ask him how much he weighs or sneak up behind him when he stands on the bathroom scales. If he doesn’t volunteer the number, it’s none of your business. You can, however, set a good example by eating healthy and exercising yourself. But that’s about all.

       How much he sleeps and his telly-watching habits. Some men sleep too much (all weekend) or too little (four hours a night). It’s not your job to correct either. Don’t try to be the sleep police. Some men fall asleep watching telly, which can drive their wives crazy. But you can’t reason with a man who insists on watching Newsnight every night but falls asleep in his chair before the presenter has uttered a word. As long as he spends time with you before this, don’t question it.

       How he dresses. Some women are embarrassed by their husband’s wardrobe. Some men just don’t know how to dress; some don’t care about fashion or refuse to spend the money on good clothes; some wear clothes that are out of style because they hate shopping; and some wear clothes that don’t fit well because they are out of shape. All you can do is help your husband dress if he asks you to and buy him ties, shirts and suits as presents and put them in his cupboard. After that, you have to let it go. He’s not 10 years old. You can’t make him look good or always wear what you want. Hopefully, he will like what you pick out for him as gifts – if not, just shrug it off as ‘his unique style’.

Rule 7

       Let Him Win

      You fell in love with a house you really can’t afford; he would rather buy a smaller house and have more money for furniture and a new car. You want to go first-class to Paris for your 10th wedding anniversary, he said OK but never mentioned it again and your 11th anniversary is just around the corner. You want to have three kids, he’s fine with two. You want a luxury car; he wants to buy a cheaper model and save money for university fees.

      Do you fight for what you want or let him win? Women ask us this all the time.

      We say, unless it is a crucial issue to you, let him win. The relationship as a whole is more important than always getting your way. It’s better to be happy than right.

      You may think we are being unfair. We know how you feel, but we are telling you what works. If you win and the relationship suffers, you lose, so is it really worth it? We don’t think so. Our experience is that even if you get your way, you will usually regret it. If you let him win, he can never say ‘I told you so’ or resent you for forcing the issue.

      You can probably relate to this true story.

      Marianne and Charles fell in love with a house about £20,000 above their price range. Marianne wanted it no matter what. Charles was reluctant, knowing that buying it would mean breaking into their pensions and savings. They continued to look at other houses, but Marianne talked day and night about the ‘dream’ house. She told Charles she wouldn’t mind cutting back on expenses, going out to eat less, driving their old cars, and buying second-hand furniture if they could live in that house. ‘If we don’t eat out or go on holiday, we’ll save thousands,’ she told him. After several weeks of persuasion, Charles relented and bought the house, thinking it would make his wife happy.

      It did for a while, but once they settled in Marianne had a hard time adjusting to their new poverty status. There was no money to decorate the house, no money for a gardener. Charles had to mow the lawn on his only day off. The kitchen appliances were old and needed to be replaced, but there was no money for new ones. Suddenly the reality hit her. In retrospect, Marianne wished she had waited for a house they could really afford.

      Charles never said ‘I told you so’, but he grumbled about the heating bills and mowing the lawn, and Marianne felt guilty. They had also cut back on nice Saturday night dinners out, which in the past had given them some time alone to bond. Thus, the house took its toll on their marriage not only financially, but emotionally. The lesson here: it’s never a good idea to force your will.

      Karen СКАЧАТЬ