Mum in the Middle: Feel good, funny and unforgettable. Jane Wenham-Jones

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      ‘My friend Liz actually pays her teenagers to go away with their father,’ she told me. ‘Just so she can have an empty house. The minute they get pads of their own, she’ll be changing the locks!’

      This had made me cry more – and Ben hadn’t even left yet. Caroline had bought me another cocktail and insisted I went to have my eyebrows threaded. ‘Your lot will still be hanging around you in their thirties,’ she’d said. ‘And see? It takes five years off you!’

      But how wrong she was. All three of them now had bedrooms elsewhere.

      ‘On future visits, you could take turns to be down there,’ I told Ben and Tilly now.

      ‘Don’t mind. I really don’t care where I sleep,’ said Ben.

      Tilly pounced. ‘Get your arse in that spare room, then!’

      ‘But it’s more convenient to stay where I am now …’

      I left them bickering and went downstairs, just happy to have them back. I poured a small glass of red and put two onions on the chopping board. I would make Tilly’s favourite pasta tonight and do shepherd’s pie tomorrow for Ben. I’d make a vegetarian lasagne for Sam at the same time. Or perhaps we could all have fish? Sam ate a lot of that – it was just meat she didn’t like. On the other hand, Oliver wasn’t over-keen on seafood – he preferred chicken …

      As I crushed garlic and tore basil leaves, I heard Ben come downstairs. Soon the sound of his guitar floated through from the sitting room. I stood in the doorway watching him leaning back, eyes closed, fingers moving over the strings. ‘Want a beer?’

      ‘Yeah, great,’

      ‘Have you given in?’

      ‘I rubbed my feet on the pillows. She doesn’t want to sleep there now.’

      ‘Ugh! Ben! How old are you?’

      ‘I’m joking, Mum’

      ‘He’s not – he really did. He’s such an animal.’

      Tilly flounced past me into the kitchen and cut off a piece of Parmesan. ‘Can I have some wine, Mum?’

      I leaned up and kissed her. ‘Of course.’ I poured a can of cold lager into a tall glass. ‘Give this to Ben and then you can tell me about Danni.’

      I kept my face serious as my daughter gave me the full lowdown on her flatmate’s bursts of hysteria, but as I sliced and stirred I wanted to beam. I’d forgotten how good this made me feel. Tomorrow Sam and Oliver would make it complete. I could hear Ben singing a James Blunt song in the background, as Tilly wagged her empty glass at me. ‘I mean, I did use the last of the hair gel but you’d think I’d stolen money from her handbag the way she carried on.’

      ‘Why don’t you buy her some more?’ I suggested. ‘Make her an Easter basket of nice products and say sorry?’

      Tilly got off the stool, refilled both our glasses and picked at the cooked pasta. ‘Because she uses my stuff all the time and I don’t go mental and I haven’t got any money.’

      I took a sip of the Valpolicella she’d put in my hand. ‘Sometimes it’s worth being the first to climb down.’ I tried to remember what my balance had been at the cash point earlier. ‘I expect I can help you.’

      ‘I’m broke too, Mum,’ Ben stuck his head over Tilly’s shoulder and gave me a wide grin. ‘I need money for Easter baskets and shampoo too or all the guys in my flat will cry as well.’

      ‘Fuck off, Ben,’ said Tilly. ‘Loser.’

      I didn’t go to the pub with them. I cleared up and made coffee and lay on the sofa, full of rigatoni and contentment.

      Caroline was off to a glittering awards ceremony tonight, one of the many invites she got in her job as PR director for a cosmetics company. She’d be drinking champagne, in a fabulous frock and killer heels, looking a million dollars. She’d despair of me sitting here in my pyjama bottoms, waiting for my grown-up kids to come in and raid the fridge again. Instead of putting my energies into getting a man.

      But I couldn’t imagine a partner sitting here. It might be nice to share things. But relationships were fraught with complications. Was the sex worth it? I couldn’t really remember …

      Caroline, on her regime of organic, botanical, libido-boosting synthetic hormone injections – ‘like having a shot of testosterone, darling, without the facial hair’ – boasted an insatiable appetite and Jinni had said she kept a list of willing participants because she needed it at least once every couple of months or she got cranky. I hadn’t had any for years.

      My mother shared a bed with Gerald if they went away but had implied it was for warmth and to save a single supplement, and that even with my father ‘that side of things’ had dwindled quite early on. What, she had enquired, while vigorously scrubbing an already-pristine milk pan, was wrong with a nice cup of tea and a biscuit?

      I suddenly had a bleak feeling in the pit of my stomach.

      Suppose this was as good as it was going to get? The kids would come home less and less – Ben would finish university and live permanently elsewhere – there would just be me stuck in small market town, a slightly batty old lady with not many friends …

      ‘You’re 47, not 80!’ I heard Caroline’s voice as clearly as if she were in the room. I gave myself a shake and took a swallow of coffee.

      If it didn’t work out I could move back to London. I frowned. It would have to be somewhere bloody small.

      These cheering thoughts – I was now visualising a bedsit in a dodgy tower block miles from the tube, having been made redundant because I couldn’t think up gripping Facebook posts – were brought to an abrupt halt by my mobile ringing. Fran sounded furious and close to tears.

      ‘I have had ENOUGH. Jonathan isn’t supporting me AT ALL. The kids are a nightmare. Bella is so indulged and he lets her speak to me however she likes …’

      I shifted into a more comfortable position with another cushion under my knees and made soothing grunts.

      Jonathan had done nothing since coming home except sit and watch TV with his two older children, leaving Fran to deal entirely with the other four AND cook dinner. He had eventually bathed the twins but only because Fran had told him to, and Silas only grunted and Bella was far too used to getting her own way. Fran was phoning because she damn well was going to have an evening out with me next week and Jonathan could bloody well get back early and babysit.

      ‘That would be really great,’ I said. ‘But I’m sorry you’re having a hard time.’

      ‘I suppose he feels he has to make the most of his time with Bella and Silas,’ I went on cautiously. ‘Could Bella help you with the twins?’ I added, inspired. ‘Teenage girls sometimes like looking after little children. You could ask her to–’

      Fran let out a long, exasperated sigh. ‘Oh she’ll jig them about for five minutes, then she gets bored. More interested in getting back on her phone. Oh bloody hell now Freya’s calling. Jonathan!’ her voice resounded shrilly against my head, making my eardrum vibrate. ‘Could you please attend to your OTHER СКАЧАТЬ