Bonkers: A Real Mum's Hilariously Honest tales of Motherhood, Mayhem and Mental Health. Olivia Siegl

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      We have all been there, fit to bursting, rubbing our fast-expanding tummy and hanging off every last detail from a mum painting the story of her birth in full technicolour glory. I’ve been there, listening away whilst pregnant with my first, hoping that the kind of story I would get to tell would be closer to the nice and positive experiences I was hearing rather than the ones where I sat open-mouthed and cross-legged listening to the poor mum who had to go through such an ordeal. As fate would have it, two babies have given me experience of both: a birth that left me traumatised and suffering from postnatal depression and a birth that was so textbook and straightforward that I told my husband I would definitely have another baby. Go figure!

      That’s the thing with childbirth I wish I had been more aware of the first time around. No two births are the same, no two experiences will leave you feeling the same as the other. Yes, it can be an amazing experience –and yes, it can also take you to the depths of despair. So, when preparing for the battle that is bringing your tiny human into the world, isn’t it about time that we prepared ourselves both physically and mentally by being open about all the different types of experiences, open and without judgement? By throwing away our expectations and ‘perfect birth’ plans, and easing off the pressure we place on ourselves to have the perfect birth, the one that goes exactly according to plan. And start believing that a birth which keeps the mother and baby as healthy and safe as possible is the only type of birth to focus on – regardless of how it happens.

      With that in mind, here is my Every Mum Guide to Childbirth, including all the things I wish I had known before I entered the labour room.

      • It will eventually be over!

      ‘Thank God,’ I hear you all cry! Yes, regardless of what type of birth you choose or is chosen for you due to bad luck, bad timing and circumstance, it does have an ending. That may be hard to believe when you’re going through it, but that baby is coming out one way or another. The process of bringing your tiny human into the world will not go on forever! Whether you are having the birth from hell or the birth from heaven, it will eventually come to an end. Amen to that!

      • You may not have the birth you want

      Not the news any of us mums to be want to hear – but why the hell do we sugarcoat the fact that the birth we have been planning may not happen? Like all things in motherhood, by managing our expectations and the pressures we place on ourselves to deliver our perfect birth experience, we are also decreasing our chances of feeling like a failure if things don’t go according to plan. Childbirth is a tricky bloody matter involving lots of different variables outside of our control. Therefore, we need to go into it fully aware that things don’t always go according to plan and instead to prepare ourselves (mentally) for the possibility that they won’t.

      • You may have an amazing birth

      The concept of an ‘amazing’ childbirth experience was completely alien to me after the traumatic birth of my first child. I stared in wonder at mums who told me they had ‘enjoyed’ childbirth and that it had been a ‘wonderful’ experience – surely their drugs should have worn off by now? Apparently not; they really had enjoyed it: the birth of my second was the opposite to my first. I thought it was an amazing experience and felt elated following it. So, for any mum out there who has also experienced a traumatic birth: as unbelievable as it may sound to you right now, I promise you that a good birth is possible.

      • It’s OK to ask for help post-baby

      A lot of mums feel traumatised after childbirth. Then, thanks to social pressures and the expectations we put on ourselves, we feel abnormal and like shit mums for feeling anything but elated at the thought of our baby, the birth and our new life in general. You are not alone. There is help out there to help you process your birth experience. Grab it with both hands as soon as you can, and punch that bastard that is post-birth guilt and trauma in the face! (For support with birth trauma please see the services listed on page 236–page 238.)

      • You are in control

      Easy to say when you’re not five centimetres dilated and climbing the wall in excruciating pain. So remember it is your baby, your body and your choice on how you want things to happen when it comes to pushing your tiny human out into the world. Whether that’s a home birth, epidural, water birth or good old gas and air, the choice is yours. As long as you and the baby are healthy and in a good condition, then you reign supreme and those around you have to do as you wish.

      • It’s normal to have stitches!

      Come on, let’s get real! Our bodies are bloody amazing things, but even the hardiest of vaginas are in need of some patching up after pushing what feels like a tiny elephant through a walnut shell! Seriously! Yes, I too squirmed at the thought of this, thinking how awful it would be to have stitches in my nether regions. However, it is totally normal, it happens to most women, and it’s nothing to be worried about – after what your vagina has already been through in childbirth, stitches will be a walk in the park.

      • You may poo yourself!

      I think I was dreading this more than the actual thought of childbirth when pregnant with my first! So much so that at six centimetres dilated and mid-contractions I made my hubby walk me to the loo because I couldn’t imagine anything worse than pooing in front of strangers! What a bloody fool! Three centimetres and a failed epidural later, I wouldn’t have cared if I had pebbledashed the whole bloody team of midwives! Needless to say that with my second I never even thought about it. Did I poo myself? Who the hell knows? And seriously, who the hell cares? I promise you will want to give a shit (literally) but you won’t even know about it if it does happen.

      • Scream, grunt, swear

      Admit it, we’ve all been there watching One Born Every Minute whilst a mum screams and grunts her baby into existence and found ourselves thinking, ‘I will never sound like that!’ Pah! Ha, ha! Don’t kid yourselves. Most importantly, do whatever it takes to get you through it. From screaming profanities to making sounds you never thought possible, these noises will help you get through whatever you need to get through, so just let it rip!

      • You are brave enough!

      Whatever happens to you through your birth experience, you need to know this: no matter how brave you think you are in normal everyday life, no matter how little faith you have in yourself, no matter how low you feel your pain threshold is and no matter if you are the biggest scaredy-cat of all time, you are brave enough and strong enough to bring your tiny human into the world.

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