Bonkers: A Real Mum's Hilariously Honest tales of Motherhood, Mayhem and Mental Health. Olivia Siegl

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СКАЧАТЬ is no ‘easy way’ out when you are trying to push a baby out of a small hole in your body. Fact. As mums-to-be we are bombarded with opinions about how we should be bringing our tiny human into the world, with our options graded from being hardcore and doing it drug-free to taking the easy way out by having an epidural or a C-section. Let me be the first to tell you that all of it is damn hardcore! Each option is challenging and scary as hell. No matter how you bring your tiny human into the world, you are a ROCK STAR!

       10. ‘So, come on, tell me your baby names.’

      DON’T DO IT! Seriously, no matter how strong the urge to spill the beans on the carefully planned names that both you and your partner have fallen in love with, keep them to yourself. Just one slightly off response of ‘Oh, really’ or ‘Wow, that’s a bit unusual’ will have you backtracking for the rest of your pregnancy.

       11. ‘Ooh, make the most of your sleep/life/whatever – because when the baby comes, your life is over!’

      Just shut the fuck up, will you!

       CHAPTER 4

       CHILDBIRTH, AKA TRYING TO PUSH A TINY HUMAN OUT OF YOUR VAGINA

      THANK GOD FOR ONE BORN EVERY MINUTE!

      I have to admit it, before the birth of my first tiny human I didn’t pay the actual giving birth bit much attention (STUPIDLY). When I mentioned antenatal groups to my gynaecologist and he realised how long the journey up and down the mountain would take, he told me not to bother, so I didn’t! Oh yes, the sheer pre-baby bliss of not knowing what lies ahead and the bloody cruelty of hindsight when I was 5 centimetres dilated, screaming like a demon and wanting to punch the aforementioned gynae in the face for not frogmarching me to those meetings! (Thank God for One Born Every Minute, which I watched religiously throughout my first pregnancy.)

      Antenatal classes in France don’t seem to hold the same importance as they do here in the UK (well, not to my gynaecologist at least). And I have to admit that, despite the horror stories I’ve heard about antenatal groups from other mums, I feel that on the whole I did miss out on this front, by not having the opportunity to meet potential new mum friends for that much-needed support.

      Therefore, going into childbirth for the first time, my birth plan went a bit like this: I’ll have contractions, do my yoga breathing until the pain is too much to bear and I’ll then have an epidural and have a baby. The End.

      My tiny human had other ideas. She came six weeks early, which involved a couple of stints in hospital pre-birth, three days of being induced, a failed epidural, blind shit-the-bed panic and a drug-free-but-not-by-choice birth that had me climbing out of my skin and telling my husband never to ask me to do that EVER again.

      Fast forward eighteen months and I was back a-bloody-gain with my second baby. And again six weeks early, following a couple of stints in hospital. This time, though, it involved a successful epidural and a textbook birth with me telling my hubby straight after that ‘I would do that again tomorrow!’. Unbelievable, that two birth experiences could be so very different.

      And I guess that’s the point: we can only prepare for what is about to happen as best we can. That means doing whatever the hell you need to do to get yourself through it and bring your tiny human into the world as safely as possible. Whether this means meditating with Himalayan goats pre-birth, necking all the drugs available, reading every birthing book and technique going, exercising throughout to be as strong and as fit as possible – whatever it is, don’t worry about what other people think of your techniques, ideas and values on the matter. Do what you need to do to get prepared.

      They say that nothing can really prepare you for the reality of childbirth. However, I believe that talking about our experiences without fear of judgement, and being honest about its realities helps us to get as prepared as possible both physically and mentally.

      Most importantly, what ever happens, when you come out the other side of it, please remember this: no matter what type of birth you have, no matter how you bring your tiny human into this world, you bloody rock and are truly magnificent!

      DEAR FANNY– A LETTER TO MY PRE-BABY VAGINA

      Now before we get cracking with sharing our birth stories, there is someone we need to invite to the party. After all, she plays a key role in getting our tiny humans here as safe and sound as possible. Oh yes, our dear friend Fanny.

      Dearest Fanny,

      Firstly, may I say that I have the upmost respect for the services you’ve rendered so far over the past thirty-nine years. I want to commend you on how reliable, trustworthy and downright supportive you’ve been of me and whatever strange friends, creams, waxing trends you’ve been subjected to – by me.

      That’s why I can’t let you go into this next part of our journey without a bit of a heads-up about what’s about to be coming your way.

       I don’t know quite how to break this to you, but in just a matter of weeks a tiny human will be making its way into this world via your good self!

      Yes. Yes, I know, I get it. WTF, right? I hear ya, sista! I also can’t get my head (or it seems my vagina) around the idea that a tiny human will soon be exiting us.

      But as eye-watering, leg-crossing and palpitation-inducing the very idea of it is, similar to that dodgy Brazilian (no, I’m not referring to Bruno), we need to face this challenge head on (literally).

      You see, as much as the midwife, the doctors and the hubby will be there to help us through, the rest of bringing this tiny human into the world safely – the most important part, in fact – is up to us: Team Vagina.

      Therefore, in exchange for you keeping up your end of the bargain, I will make a couple of promises to you. I promise to do my best to keep you as informed as possible about what’s happening (though I’m guessing that because you will have a front-row seat you will be more in the know than me!).

      I promise to be as brave as I can be without being too proud or ashamed to ask for help if or when the pain gets too much to bear.

      I promise to work with you as much as I can to get this baby here as safely and as quickly as humanly possible (the sooner it’s over for both of us, the better).

      I apologise now for any ‘work’ you may need post-baby.

      However, to make up for this work, I promise that after the arrival of the tiny human I will have ice packs, a rubber ring, perineum cream and a cocktail of painkillers at the ready.

       Most importantly, I do so solemnly declare – for the sake of us both – that I will not rush you into getting back to business as usual. I will give you time to recover and the R-E-S-P-E-C-T you deserve for being such a Vagina Rock Star!

      Yours forever grateful and in awe of the wonderful work you do,

       Me, the lady upstairs

      MY FIRST BIRTH EXPERIENCE – ‘NEVER ask me to do THAT again… EVER!’

      Childbirth happens, I’ve discovered, when you’re busy making birth plans.

      I СКАЧАТЬ