Sweatpants at Tiffanie’s: The funniest and most feel-good romantic comedy of 2018!. Pernille Hughes

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СКАЧАТЬ selling his stuff on eBay for 99p,’ Shelby suggested. Tiff looked at the sofa and was tempted.

      ‘He hasn’t cheated on me, Shelbs. I don’t need revenge for anything. It just petered out. We wanted different things…’

      ‘Give me strength,’ Shelby muttered at the other end. ‘Don’t make out like this was some well-considered mutual decision. He decided to ditch you after ten years, on your anniversary, Tiff. His Facebook status was Single by the next day. He doesn’t need anyone else lined up, he’s still the supernova of all arseholes. What’s worse is he doesn’t even think he’s behaved badly, or else he’d never have dared leave you alone in the flat.’

      ‘See, Shelb, that’s where you’ve failed to appreciate the relationship we had,’ Tiff said tightly, needing to claw a modicum of dignity, deliberately expunging the Facebook thing from her brain, lest it break her completely. She wasn’t a Facebooker; social media had never been her friend. ‘Gav and I can come out of this as two adults, peacefully, respectfully and without my cutting the crotches out of his suits.’ Shelby had once peed on a guy’s doorstep every Friday night for a full three months, for not calling her. She was sensitive like that. Conversely, it was important to Tiff to vacate the flat in a dignified manner, despite wanting to fling herself wailing across the floor and chain herself to some furniture. Gavin had to think highly of her if she wanted any chance of getting him back. Gavin valued decorum. ‘Look, I’ll call you tomorrow for the lowdown on the hottie,’ Tiff diverted. ‘Night Shelbs.’

      ‘Night babes.’

      Hanging up, Tiff experienced simultaneous relief and panic. Not staying at Shelby’s had felt vital, but it left her in a quandary of where to go. Gavin was due home at ten and she had to be gone by then. He’d made his position clear, she didn’t want to appear needy nor, for that matter, squatting. As her middle-of-the-night sex offensive – oh god, the shame – had failed so miserably, the only way she’d win Gavin back would be to show him what he was missing in different ways. Who knew, maybe simply not having her around might do it? That could happen, right? He hadn’t called her during the week, and no texts had appeared; obviously he was busy, so coming back to an empty flat, tired without her to fetch him a cold beer and a sandwich might bring home how entwined their paths actually were.

      Her keys lay on the table by the door. It wasn’t a big bunch; there was the key to the flat, which she’d have to leave; Shelby’s key and the keys to the gym and her car. She could sleep in the car she supposed, although once her bags, boxes and double duvet were in it, she’d be driving with her knees up around her ears. There was only so much you could get into a Tiffany-blue Mini, four doors or not. That’s what happened when your buying criteria was ‘adorable’.

      Out of sleeping options and time, Tiff decided she’d try the Premier Lodge around the corner from the gym for a couple of nights. In the meantime, she’d reconsider the rental availabilities. Tiff saw her status had shifted from chooser to beggar.

      She started loading the car with all her earthly belongings. There was no way she’d be able to truck all of this into a hotel room. Shelby’s place was too small for anything more than a spare pair of knickers and her toiletries bag. Jangling the keyring in her hand the answer came to her; storing it all at the gym was the only solution. Thankfully Leonards hadn’t seen fit to take her key back. So surely, until the new owners decided what to do with the place, and repossessed the keys, it was – technically speaking – business as usual. It was purely a matter of temporary storage; it wasn’t like she was moving in or anything. It’d all be out of the way in the back storeroom and gone by Monday night. No harm done. The plan was set. Tiff functioned best when she had a plan.

      With only ten minutes to spare, a sweating Tiff had successfully vacated the flat, although the final locking of the door had broken her dam of sobs and a wet-patch on the paintwork was testament to her face being propped against it for a while. She was officially homeless. But Gavin was a stickler for time keeping –‘Time is everything, Tiff. Five minutes make the difference between victory and defeat, Horatio Nelson’ – so she’d forced herself off. The last bags were heaved, rammed, then frenziedly kicked into the car, before she was off down the road, keenly aware of her new fall from grace as the streets became increasingly more shabby as she went.

      The gym was closed out of respect. Walking in with the first bags, being met by a wall of darkness and silence, Tiff freaked on a minor scale. She was used to the squeaking sounds of trainers on the varnished floor, the oof of men being punched in the belt and the grunts as they tried to plant a revenge throw to the face. And, generally, Blackie had been in the building. It would never be the same; no more ‘Morning love,’ no more ‘Ta love’ for the tea.

      The building wasn’t particularly cold, but it gave her a shiver. With it came a wave of exhaustion so depleting she was tempted to drop and curl up on the spot. Her plan to neatly stash all her things upstairs was back-burnered as she slung them haphazardly inside the door. The gym opened the next morning at 8 a.m. for the Earlybirds, or ‘Clinically Insane’ as Tiff referred to them. She just had to make sure she was up before then to cover her tracks.

      Tiff should have known this wasn’t a week where plans had meaning or jurisdiction. Firstly the rain upped its game from drizzle to hoying-down. The sprint to the car wasn’t a dry one. Tiff held onto the dream of a steaming bath at the hotel. She’d grab a brandy from the bar on the way up too. Surely it would count as medicinal, all things considered? Only she hadn’t accounted for the Friday wedding in the Bothroyd suite which had guests staying in all the rooms. Every last one.

      Which was how Tiff found herself back at the gym, curled up on the ancient office sofa, knickers and greying bras drying on the radiator. Heating and toilet access had won the Car versus Gym debate. She’d kept Blackie’s desk light on, moved his chair away from her line of sight then wept over every rubbish thing that had happened in the last five days.

       Chapter 5

      Lying there, wrapped so tightly in the duvet it was tantamount to a defensive shield, Tiff remembered the first night she’d stayed at Gavin’s flat. It hadn’t been a whirlwind couldn’t-keep-their-hands-off-each-other night, but one where she’d cried and he’d held her, as she grieved for the family she’d lost. He’d been the perfect gentleman. Whenever Shelby dissed him, those were the memories Tiff replayed.

      That night had been very different from this. Then, she’d slipped from one home to the next, now, she lay in limbo. She was sensitive to every creak from the old building, she twitched at cars racing past and doors slamming out on the street. But sleep must have come eventually as she was woken with a start, by a crashing sound from downstairs.

      There was no alarm. Blackie had never bothered, said it wasn’t worth the cost. Not that he was a stingy man, frugal as necessitated by the divorce perhaps, but on this he insisted he couldn’t see the point. There wasn’t really much to steal, unless someone was in the market for an ancient ring and old-school PE equipment. Blackie had stubbornly not succumbed to Tiff’s teasing suggestion of filling the building with state of the art kit, and heaven forbid make it something which at least gave a nod towards a modern facility. God (and Tiff) knew the space was there, the place just needed an enormous overhaul and the business would have a new lease of life.

      I’m far too old to handle all those shenanigans, was his persistent final word on that conversation. The alarm came under the same heading. And besides, he’d pointed out, who’d be daft enough to break into a club frequented by half a town’s worth of fighters? Even kids looking for larks would steer clear.

      And СКАЧАТЬ