Speechless. Sandy/Yvonne Rideout/Collins

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СКАЧАТЬ could keep her beside his recliner.”

      “Don’t suppose your diversionary tactics are working, by the way. They may work on your aunt Mavis, but they’re wasted on me.”

      “Not if I’m sober, they aren’t.”

      “So you are drinking!”

      “Mother, you’d be into the bourbon too, if you were facing the week I am.”

      “Never bourbon,” she says. “I’m sure it won’t be as bad as you fear. And when you get back, I’ll make some Nanaimo bars you can take into the office to sweeten Margo up.”

      They’ll be just the thing to tempt her into the rattrap.

      7

      T he Royal Tour is off to a majestic start. Witness this day in the life of the average political speechwriter.

      7:00 a.m.: Libby arises immediately upon alarm, only to have tiny, fleet-footed Margo stampede by into shared washroom and slam door. Boots up computer instead and checks hopefully for e-mails from Rox.

      7:30 a.m.: Showers while Margo throws personal effects into suitcase and races off to all-you-can-eat buffet at motel restaurant.

      8:10 a.m.: Rushes into motel restaurant only to hear Margo announce there’s no time to eat—plane awaits.

      9:00-10:00 a.m.: Another terrifying flight in the provincial crap can with wings.

      11:15 a.m.: Arrival at public school. Royal entourage attends lengthy theatrical production of Harry Potter adventures, tours art and music rooms, and listens to choir recital (songs from Lion King). Lib smiles until gums dry out.

      1:30 p.m.: Lunch in school cafeteria. Mix and mingle.

      Highlight: Student, age 7, asks Minister, “Do you work in a church?” Minister looks annoyed.

      Lowlight: Student, age 7, asks Libby, “Are you pregnant?”

      Result of Lowlight: Baggy sweater destroyed by sundown.

      2:30 p.m.: Departure for school number two. As rare treat, Lib rides with Laurie (Margo evidently has top secret biz to discuss with Minister). School itinerary virtually same as before, except theatrical production is scene from Free Willy. Boy in black-and-white costume flops around the stage as Willy. Choir’s tunes are from The Little Mermaid.

      Highlight: Student, age 5, remarks to Minister, “You smell.”

      Result of Highlight: Minister grabs handbag and applies even more expensive cologne in staff washroom.

      Lowlight: Whale child cited previously rediscovers arms and legs, snatches Ministerial handbag from chair beside Libby, and runs off with it. Lib pursues. Ruckus is sufficient to provoke Minister to whisper savagely, “Lily, I would appreciate your attention during my remarks. You need to set an example for the students.” Libby glares menacingly at purse-snatcher at snack time, noting nonetheless that Margo stashes two butter tarts in briefcase.

      4:00 p.m.: Departure to Town Hall for glad-handing of boring local politicians. MPP, age 70, holds Lib’s hand too gladly and too long. Margo, generally so quick to interrupt, is nowhere to be seen.

      6:00 p.m.: Arrival at Lakeside Inn, located not by a lake but a major highway. Margo promptly disappears. Lib skulks to Laurie’s room to make plans for dinner.

      6:20 p.m.: Margo arrives at Laurie’s door, shifty-eyed with paranoia. Could Lib and Laurie be plotting mutiny? Lib blurts out that she is simply borrowing curling iron from Laurie, who promptly produces one. Returns to room to add fake ringlets to hair under Margo’s watchful eye.

      6:30 p.m.: Margo decides that the Minister needs contact lens solution and sends Lib to town to buy it. Lib picks up submarine sandwich en route, dazzling “sandwich technicians” with curls.

      9:00 p.m.: E-mail to Rox, bitching and whining.

      10:30 p.m.: To bed, too exhausted to read.

      11:00 p.m.: Margo crashes into room, turns on all lights. Consumes butter tarts with snuffling noises. Prepares for bed as loudly as possible.

      12:00 a.m.: Lib lies awake listening to Margo snore.

      Another day, another town, another school visit. It’s 7:00 p.m., and we’ve just checked into the Downtown Motor Lodge, which (surprise) is a twenty-five-minute drive from downtown anywhere. I feel at home immediately, because the rust, orange and brown decor is reminiscent of my parents’ basement. Having gained a small head start on Margo, I switch on the swag lamp and throw my things on the bed closest to the washroom. I’m stretched proprietarily across it when Margo crashes into the room and I smile innocently in response to her glare. There was a candy machine in the lobby; maybe I’ll curl up with a bag of pretzels and watch mindless sitcoms on TV. That’s about all I feel up to tonight. I hide the remote while Margo unloads her beauty aids in the washroom, then start digging through my wallet for change.

      “So, Libby.” Damn. It speaks. “I’ve made some revisions to tomorrow’s speeches. I want you to input the changes and have them printed.”

      I look at my watch pointedly before responding. “And where do you propose I do that, Margo? It’s almost 7:30 and we aren’t in the heart of a thriving metropolis.”

      “It isn’t my job to help you figure out how to do yours. I’m sure you’ll find a way. I’ll be in Mrs. Cleary’s room if anyone needs me.”

      I throw my shoe at the door as she closes it behind her. Okay, I wait a few beats first so she can’t hear the thud, but the act of defiance still makes me feel better. I input her changes, which, in my humble opinion as speechwriter/lady-in-waiting/flunky, were completely unnecessary, and head over to the motel office, computer disk in hand. My faint hope that someone there can help with the printing flickers when I find Dwayne, the night manager, hunched over the front desk crafting a Gents sign with a wood-burning kit. But he surprises me.

      “Sure, we have a printer, honey. Come on in.”

      At this rate, I may even be able to catch the second half of Will and Grace. My heart sinks when I see the primitive piece of junk they call a printer. I explain politely that my disk is not compatible with their printer and Dwayne directs me to a place in town that can do the job. I collect the keys to the government “limo” from Bill, who’s ensconced in his room with a detective novel and a large pizza. He offers to come along for the ride, but fraternizing with Laurie is what set Margo off in the first place, so I decline.

      During the drive, I imagine all the ways I could tell Margo to shove it. If the copy shop is closed when I arrive, I’ll head right back to the motel and compose a snotty resignation letter, I decide. Oh, right, no way to print it. Fortunately, the shop is open and I am soon on the road again, having surmounted another of Margo’s obstacles. Hard not to feel good about that! I perk up even more when the Golden Arches appear on the horizon— I do deserve a break today. And how nice to discover a new talent on my drive back to the motel… Like my father before me, I am able to eat a Big Mac with one hand and steer with the other. Since I’m starting to feel quite good about myself, I chant my affirmations between bites: “I am an accomplished speechwriter. I embrace my challenges with grace. I accept all the blessings the universe offers me.”

      Then СКАЧАТЬ