The Accidental Honeymoon. Portia MacIntosh

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СКАЧАТЬ he’s looking for something. When his eyes land on me, he walks over.

      ‘Excuse me,’ he says, in his Queen’s English accent. ‘Georgie, is it?’

      I nod.

      ‘Ah, well, there’s a gentleman in the toilets asking for you. He wants you to nip in and see him.’

      ‘He wants me to go into the men’s loos?’ I ask in disbelief.

      ‘Indeed,’ he says, clearly stifling a chuckle. ‘He said you’d probably refuse, but that I had to tell you he’s not coming out. Ever.’

      Oh my God, he’s like a child. I thank the man, exhale deeply and dash inside. Obviously, because we’re in an airport, the toilets are quite busy, and each man greets me with an awkward, uncomfortable gaze.

      ‘You’re, er, in the gents’, love,’ a man points out, as though I hadn’t noticed.

      ‘Cheers,’ I reply.

      I have to admit, it’s nothing like I thought it would be in here. The place is absolutely packed with men, rushing around, brushing their teeth and getting changed. For most, my presence here isn’t startling; they’re in too much of a hurry. It doesn’t smell like I expected in here. It’s unpleasant, for sure, but I expected it to smell like pee instead of the cocktail of strong cleaning products and mixture of deodorants and aftershaves that permeates the air.

      I glance around the crowd for Jack – doing my best to avert my eyes from the urinals – but he’s nowhere to be seen.

      ‘Jack,’ I call out, quickly losing my patience and raising my voice. ‘Jack!’

      ‘In here,’ I hear him call back from inside one of the cubicles.

      ‘What’s the problem?’ I ask, leaning towards the door.

      ‘I look like a dick,’ he calls back.

      ‘Do you know how much those clothes cost me?’ I ask angrily through the door, but he doesn’t reply. I try a softer approach. ‘Can I see?’

      ‘Is it still busy out there?’ he asks.

      ‘Yes.’

      I hear the sound of Jack unlocking the door before it opens just enough to allow a person through.

      ‘Quick, inside,’ he insists, pulling me through.

      Jack exhales deeply as I look him up and down. He’s wearing one of the outfits I gave him, and he’s clean-shaven (but with a piece of tissue stuck to the edge of his sharp jaw where he must have nicked his skin) and his hair is slicked back, just like I told him. He looks so different. Younger and more polished.

      ‘You look good,’ I tell him. Well, he does.

      ‘I look stupid. My cheeks look fat without a beard, not to mention I no longer look thirty, I look about fifteen. And this outfit – where do I begin?’

      I shrug my shoulders. It’s smart and fashionable. I have no idea what his problem is.

      ‘Did I sail here on my yacht?’ he asks sarcastically. ‘Blue and white pinstripe shorts and a matching blazer? You’ve gotta be kidding me, princess.’

      The buzz from outside the cubicle dies down.

      ‘People come and go in waves, we’re probably safe to step outside for a minute,’ he tells me. ‘Soon as the next rush of people comes in, I’m coming back in here.’

      Once we’re out of the cubicle it’s much easier to look Jack up and down properly.

      ‘You really suit your hair like that,’ I tell him honestly.

      ‘It’s not the hair that bothers me,’ he replies. ‘It’s this sailor-boy get-up. No offence, but everything in these bags sucks.’

      I am entirely offended. So much so, I start riffling through the bags to prove to him everything in here is stylish and cool.

      ‘That outfit you’re wearing is straight off a mannequin in Jack Wills,’ I inform him. ‘There is no denying they’re cool. Ditch the blazer if you don’t like it. You look good in shorts and even you can’t take issue with a white shirt.’

      ‘Why don’t I just put that navy jumper on that you bought me?’ he suggests. ‘Oh yeah, because it’s summer and boiling outside and I’d literally die.’

      ‘It’s not for wearing, it’s for draping,’ I tell him patronisingly, although it does occur to me that someone not so into fashion won’t appreciate that.

      Jack stares at me blankly for a second.

      ‘I have no idea what that means,’ he tells me.

      ‘Here, put these on,’ I instruct, throwing him a pair of navy-blue chinos. ‘These with that shirt will look good.’

      I walk over to him and gently pull the piece of tissue from his chin before placing my hands lightly on the sides of his head to smooth his hair down.

      ‘Could I almost pass for a gentleman?’ he asks.

      ‘Did you just quote Titanic to me?’ I reply in disbelief.

      ‘You think I haven’t seen Titanic? It’s a classic,’ he insists. ‘So, could I almost pass for a gentleman?’

      I smile.

      ‘Almost.’

      He laughs as he heads into the cubicle with his trousers.

      He’s no sooner closed the door when the next surge of travellers pours in. The first few do a double-take, the sight of a woman tricking them into thinking they’re in the wrong place.

      ‘This is the men’s toilets,’ one man points out to me.

      ‘Yeah, thanks,’ I reply, making no attempt to move.

      The man frowns at me so I tap on the cubicle door.

      ‘Jack, let me in,’ I beg. ‘I’m not getting the warmest welcome out here.’

      ‘Just let me put my pants on,’ he replies.

      ‘Just until the crowd clears out, then I’ll sneak out,’ I plead.

      A few seconds later the door opens.

      ‘Wow, you look great,’ I tell him, a little taken aback. I can’t help but notice he hasn’t zipped up his trousers yet – probably because he rushed to let me in – so I keep almost uncomfortable eye contact with him. He’s right – the pinstripes were a bit much.

      ‘I feel less uncomfortable in this,’ he replies. ‘Kept the boat shoes on, though. I’m assuming your royal family lives on a boat?’

      ‘Far from it,’ I laugh. ‘It’s a semi.’

      ‘Yeah, well, СКАЧАТЬ