Your Daughter. Girls’ Association Schools

Чтение книги онлайн.

СКАЧАТЬ are especially important for identity-development during adolescence, and group-loyalty can be extreme. Girls’ friendships can be lifelong, and can be even closer than those of sisters. For the most part, these friendships develop through communication, shared experience and the development of loyalty.

      Loyalty to friends can be paramount, and when a friend is disloyal, it can be the sudden and immediate end of that relationship, with no second chance. This may seem extreme to us as parents, but the point works both ways, and the needs of a friend may trump any obligations within a family, for fear of being seen as disloyal.

      Typically, there comes a stage in many girls’ lives when they have, or would like to have, a close best friend, to whom they appear completely joined, emotionally. Lovely though this can be, it can exclude the development of other friendships, leaving a girl exposed to immense emotional loss should the friendship founder, as it probably will at some point. You may become aware that your daughter is being harmed by a manipulative and emotionally needy friend, and it can take skilled conversations over a period of time to help your daughter retain the friendship at a less deep level. This will help her to tell the friend that she still likes her and enjoys her company, but she retains her own identity and self-authority so will not always do what her friend wants. This may strengthen the healthy side of the friendship, or it may cause it to fade.

       Top tips:

      • Get to know the families of your daughter’s close friends. If a school has receptions or parents’ meetings, it is worth seeking out the parents of your daughters’ friends; you will be glad of each other’s support with respect to behavioural guidelines as your daughters travel through adolescence together, but even before that, play-dates, birthday parties and shared lifts are appreciated on both sides.

      • If your daughter finds it difficult to make friends for any reason, tell her teacher, and ask for ideas as to what you can do, and what the school can do, to help her in this. If it is not successful, you may find that you have to arrange social gatherings with other families so at least your daughter knows other children or young people. Some girls do find it hard to make friends and may not achieve it easily until the sixth form, if that. For more on this, read ‘My daughter doesn’t have any friends’, also in this section.

      • Most parents encourage their daughter’s friends to visit. If taken on holiday, however, you may find a week can sometimes be as much as girls’ friendships can cope with.

      • Encourage your daughter to have several good friendships, even if there is one special friend.

      • Enjoy your daughter’s friendships – for many parents, one of the great unsung joys of parenthood is getting to know their daughter’s friends, right into adulthood.

      When friendships go wrong

      Why are friendships so important to girls – and why is it the end of the world when they go wrong?

      Most girls want to have friends – someone to share secrets with, who looks out for them each morning and who’ll miss them when they’re absent. But, beyond that, your daughter’s choice of friends says a great deal about her, both to her and to others.

      Alongside how she dresses, her choice of friends is a large part of the image she wants to portray – she’s popular, part of the ‘in-crowd’. In short, she’s worth knowing. And here’s the proof: other girls like her, and the ‘cooler’ they are, the greater her standing in the wider social group.

      Within the group, it’s a safe place for her to try out ideas and opinions. It builds her confidence to know that her friends agree with her, be it about world issues or that must-have shade of nail varnish. There’s also a lot of sharing of concerns. Worries about health, parents, boys, exams – all are shared, and frequently in great detail, with friends often sworn to secrecy. And because, for many girls, the need to belong is so strong, their groups tend to become exclusive and, although they may be friendly towards other girls, there are often very clear boundaries between friendship groups.

      So, when it goes wrong, it is the end of the world for your daughter because now she’s lost part of her identity, she’s lost her place in the social order and her support structure for her ideas. Those shared secrets are now regretted. The former friends know everything about her. Now that the bond is broken, they might tell. Worse, they might be laughing at her. And the fact that she’s been part of an exclusive group means that it’s harder to join a new group, at least for a while.

      So, when the worst happens, how can you help your daughter through the experience?

      • Don’t underestimate how important this is to her. It is the end of her world, as she knows it.

      • Let her know you understand that – and how hurt she feels – and be prepared for her to show real grief over the loss.

      • Ask her if she thinks there’s any way back. Did she upset them in some way? Does she need to see if she can put that right? What would be the best way to do that?

      If the distress is extreme or prolonged, it’s worth letting someone at school know – perhaps her form tutor or Head of House or Head of Year. It may be appropriate for them to get involved but, if nothing else, they can offer support as she finds her way through.

      Do resist the temptation to contact the parents of the other girls involved – unless she has asked you to and you’re offering an olive branch on her behalf. One more layer of involvement usually makes it even harder for the girls to work things out themselves. And afterwards, whether or not the friendship is restored, take the opportunity to speak with your daughter and to help her to learn from the experience. Those lessons will stand her in good stead for the rest of her life.

      My daughter doesn’t have any friends

      Seeing your daughter unhappy because she doesn’t have friends is heart-rending as you watch her confidence ebb away and send her off to school each day after the enforced cheerfulness of breakfast.

      How can you best support her?

      • Acknowledge that not having friends at school is tough. Don’t be dismissive of how she feels and, if appropriate, share your own experiences with her – most of us can think of times when we felt we didn’t ‘belong’.

      • If she has friends outside of school, make sure she has plenty of contact with them so that she knows she has people who like and accept her.

      • Talk to her about her day at school. Which times are the most difficult? Before school? Breaks? Lunchtimes?

      Offer some practical suggestions:

      • If being in the form room before school means everyone else is chatting in groups, where else could she go? The library? Another room? Can she make sure she’s got something to do so she’s keeping herself busy?

      • At breaks and lunchtimes, what clubs or extracurricular activities could she go to? Art club? Spanish club? Table tennis? She may claim not to know what’s on offer and you may need to contact the school to get the details but, if she can find something to do for most lunchtimes, it will help fill that lonely void between lunch and the start of afternoon school – and she might find a like-minded friend.

      • Are there any opportunities for her to help other pupils? Listening to younger ones read? Helping to coach sports? Helping in the library?

      • Can she get involved with a drama production? Volunteering to help backstage if not actually performing, or handing СКАЧАТЬ