Your Daughter. Girls’ Association Schools

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СКАЧАТЬ how difficult she is finding your recent separation. Then you could say how sorry you are that she doesn’t want to see her granddaughter at the moment. Emphasise the importance of a grandparent’s role, particularly when parents are separating, and remind her of how awkward teenagers can be, even at the best of times. Finally, state that, of course, you will respect her wishes but will welcome her back when she feels the time is right, wishing her well in the meantime.

       Q: My partner and I are going through a difficult patch but are trying to protect our daughter from any effects of our dispute. Is this possible?

      A: Parents’ individual problems can influence the dynamic within a family, and a child can often ‘act out’ when the conflict gets too much. So, for example, it is often the case that younger siblings will mimic parents’ arguments, using the same language and tone of voice, and often will be physically aggressive with one another to express their frustrations. Your older daughter may start to develop faddy eating habits or perhaps begin to self-harm. All these are examples of ways in which children will aim to divert attention away from the arguing parents and instead become the focus of the attention themselves. Teenagers will often do this subconsciously as a way of ensuring that their parents will have to come together, even if only to talk about the troubled teenager.

      Do not underestimate the effect of what you do as parents and how this can impact upon your daughter and your other children. Children are very sensitive to arguments, and they pick up on conflict in relationships and may act this out within their play or with their friends. For example, if your daughter starts having complex friendship issues with her school friends, perhaps think of what could be happening at home that is upsetting and unsettling her.

      Above all, keep the lines of communication open both with your children and with each other, and don’t be afraid to turn to external sources for help. There are some listed in the back of this book.

       Q: How do I keep the channels of communication open without my daughter thinking I am neurotic?

      A: It is important that your daughter knows how to communicate with you and for you to know the best ways in which to communicate with her. Talk to your daughter about what she would prefer — whether you should check in with her in person, by phone or by text. Try to do it in an unobtrusive way, but remind her that you are checking up on her as you are concerned about her personal wellbeing and safety. It may also be useful to have the mobile phone numbers of some of her friends so you can drop them a brief text if you are unable to get hold of your daughter. However, be careful only to use these numbers in an emergency.

       Q: Why is my daughter always so horrible to me, yet can wrap her father around her little finger?

      A: The relationship between mothers and daughters is probably both the most fruitful and the most fraught there is. The daughter often overidentifies with the mother and feelings of hate and love are frequently intertwined. The mother is fully aware of the perils and pitfalls that may occur during her daughter’s teenage years and she feels deeply protective of her. A father, on the other hand, sees his beautiful daughter emerging and is charmed by her. Both parents (whether living together or apart) should agree ground rules for their daughter (and, of course, other children) and stick to them. Giving a daughter a consistent message and setting realistic boundaries is vital and she will thank her parents for it.

       Q: How do I handle my daughter’s mood swings?

      A: Show an interest in your daughter’s schooling, friends and hobbies, but not to the extent of smothering her. Communication is vital; spend time listening to her and try to be flexible over some things and aim to avoid confrontation. If she continues to shout and rant and rave, try not to shout back; remember, you are the adult in the situation, even if your daughter knows how to push all your buttons. Walk away if you can and try to restart the conversation when you are both calm. Try to think of teenage tantrums in the same way as toddler tantrums, as this may make it easier.

       Q: What boundaries should I set for my daughters regarding curfew/time to be home at night?

      A: Teenagers need boundaries. They may not like being told to be home by a certain time, but as responsible parents you are showing that you care, and ultimately your teenager will value this and feel secure. Agree a time and then ask her to text you so that you know she is on her way home. This is less intrusive than a phone call, but can be equally reassuring. If your daughter is travelling by public transport, ensure that she is with others, even if this means a couple of additional teenagers staying over for the night. Alternatively, agree where and when you will collect her, and make sure that you are always there on time. Try to ensure that you are discreet when you pick her up. Don’t cross-examine her about her evening; wait and allow her to tell you what she has been up to. If possible, it is helpful to do a rota with some of your daughter’s friends’ parents, as this takes the pressure away from you.

       Q: How do I know if I should trust my daughter when she tells me where and who she is going out with?

      A: You have to build a relationship of trust and mutual respect. You need to be aware that trust has as much to do with your relationship with your daughter as it does with her behaviour. When extending trust, you need to make it clear that when giving it, you require the truth. Your daughter needs to know for certain that you can survive the truth — even if it is occasionally ugly — and that so can she. Talking to her regularly about concerns regarding school work, friends, social situations and potential pitfalls lets your daughter know where you stand and why. All relationships in life are predicated on trust and honesty. Your daughter needs to know that actions have consequences, but if she is honest, your relationship will survive.

       Q: How do I respond when my daughter tells me the ‘ugly truth’?

      A: If your daughter has the guts to tell you at the age of 13 that, for example, she got drunk at a party, the fact she has told you means that she has been frightened by this and is asking for your support to help her make better decisions. It may not feel like this at the time, but if you severely punish her, then why would she continue to confide in you? You need to help your daughter move on from unfortunate incidents and ensure that she knows how to be safe and secure the next time. It isn’t easy; but if you keep the doors of communication open, she will confide in you. Always remember that you are instilling in your daughter a moral code for her future. If your daughter tells you that she thinks she may be pregnant, take a deep breath and remember that she has told you because she wants you to help her. Take her to the doctor and try to support her through the situation.

      Friends

      Girls’ friendships can be lifelong and your daughter is likely to need your help and guidance as she acquires the skills necessary to form healthy friendships. She may have to deal with bullies or with over-intense relationships, with jealousy, rivalry and perhaps betrayal. As she grows up her peer group will become increasingly influential and you will want to help her maintain her personal integrity while integrating with her group. Your daughter’s friendships will shape her identity, affirm her sense of worth and will also affect the sort of young woman she grows into. But they are also the source of great joy, strength and, above all, fun!

      Best friends for ever

      From a young age, girls start to develop friendships, and their importance grows as they get older. As with family relationships, they are usually multi-layered, very complex and heavily charged with powerful emotions.

      Girls typically talk – and talk and talk. They can end up talking about each other, and this can translate to ‘bitchiness’. This is all the more distressing when carried out by text or email, and your daughter needs to learn not to get involved in such things, and to only talk about others if it is kind, true and necessary СКАЧАТЬ