Your Daughter. Girls’ Association Schools

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       Consistency and communication

      As in any relationship – parent to child or parent to parent – of key concern is communication. Parents need always to maintain communication with their children as well as with one another. Parents need to try to remain impartial when there is sibling conflict, while retaining sensitivity to the needs of each individual child. They also need to be aware that the dynamic within the nuclear family affects each relationship within it as well as all the relationships that will stem from it in the future.

       Struggling?

      There are numerous ways in which you can gain extra help or support with your children. Your first port of call is likely to be your partner, parents or close friends. Do talk to them and ask for advice. Also, read widely, talk to your friends with children of a similar age and scour websites, such as www.MyDaughter. co.uk or www.Mumsnet.com. Perhaps attend a parenting class if you are finding parenting difficult. Finally, if you find that sibling rivalry within your family is having a detrimental impact on you all, ask your GP to refer you to a family therapist for some help and support.

      Although relationships between siblings can be complex, they can also be incredibly rewarding and supportive. Siblings can form a close bond and develop friendships that last a lifetime. Hopefully your children will be able to form positive and happy relationships with their siblings, in turn enabling them to develop secure, warm and fulfilling relationships with others in the future.

      The role of grandparents

      The role of grandparents in your daughter’s life cannot be underestimated. A grandparent – and often the grandmother, in the case of a daughter – can be a crucial support for both daughters and mothers, as she straddles both generations and can be a useful provider of both wisdom and experience.

      At various stages in your daughter’s life, grandparents can take on a significant role. Today, it is relatively common for grandparents to be involved in their grandchildren’s lives from an early age, as grandparents are asked by their daughters to take on childcare responsibilities, instead of resorting to a nanny or daycare. Although this can be exhausting for the grandparents, it can also bring huge rewards. This set-up also provides a continuity of childcare throughout the generations as well as the passing on of a similar value system and moral code. A close relationship is forged between the child and the grandparent during the child’s formative years, and this bond lasts a lifetime.

      As your daughter grows up, grandparents can offer advice and support to you as a parent on the challenges of parenting, especially during the teenage years. It is also helpful as a parent to be reminded of your own teenage behaviour once upon a time! Girls can call on their grandmothers for advice about any number of things – from asking questions about various homework assignments, to calling up to chat about issues that they do not necessarily want to discuss with their own parent. A grandparent can offer a more objective voice at times and will often back up the parent in a subtle and supportive way.

      In an ideal world, it is recommended that you try to ensure your daughter spends regular and quality time with her grandparents. The grandparent–grandchild relationship is an especially precious one and it should be nurtured and developed into a mutually rewarding experience for all parties concerned.

      Tricky situations

       Separation

      In the case of a recent separation or divorce between two parents, your daughter is often suffering greatly and she cannot always understand the problems of an adult world. At this time, grandparents can step in and offer valuable additional support, as well as the provision of another place where your daughter can feel safe and secure. Encourage your daughter to turn to her grandparents when necessary; allow her to simply be a grandchild, to feel loved and occasionally spoilt; and let her know there is somewhere else where she can go and process her emotions. If you are going through a marital break-up as a parent, do allow your own parents to support you and your children. Their support for the whole family cannot be underestimated. Swallow your pride and allow them to take on this role for all of you. Your parents love you, just as you love your own children, and they will do their utmost to help you through the most difficult of situations.

       Difficult grandparents

      The world is made up of very different people with different expectations and value systems. Sometimes, your child’s grandparents do not share your views on life and parenting techniques. This can occasionally be the case with the ‘in-laws’, but it is important to try to forge a relationship with your child’s grandparents, even if they are difficult. Establish ground rules as early as you can and try to stick to them. For example, try to set up a monthly visit to allow them to see their grandchildren. You can decide where and when you should meet. Try to agree on a set of rules regarding your parenting rules and theirs.

      If there are difficulties with your in-laws, do discuss this with your partner as sensitively as you can so that you both work together for the benefit of your children. However, if you find that the visits are unbearable, try to seek some professional help– for example, from a family therapist – to see whether you can facilitate some regular contact for the sake of your children. As your children grow older, you don’t want them to criticise you as a parent for depriving them of their grandparents; equally, as your children grow into their teenage years and beyond, they will begin to be able to make their own decisions about whether they want to have a relationship with their grandparents.

       Geography

      Gone are the days when extended families lived close together, and distance can make the relationship between grandparents and grandchildren very complicated. If your daughter’s grandparents live far away, encourage them to maintain regular contact by telephone, email or even Skype or Facebook! Your daughter can teach her grandparents to work out the new technologies – just as a 10-year-old girl can teach her 70-year-old grandmother to text!

      As with all long-distance relationships, when your child’s grandparents live far away, the time spent together is often intense due to the infrequency of the visits. Do make allowances for the visiting grandparents and try to make the visits as enjoyable as possible. Research local activities in your area, find out what is on at the cinema and save up some enjoyable outings to do together whenever a visit comes up. In this way, both parties can look forward to the visit with excitement.

      As your daughter grows up, try to develop a relationship in which she can spend quality time with her grandparents, such as a weekend away. In addition to a lovely time between granddaughter and grandparents, this also provides the additional perk of some much needed respite for the parents!

       Working grandparents

      Many grandparents still work full time, which means that their time is limited and they may not be able to take on the additional responsibilities of looking after grandchildren. It is important to respect working grandparents and not to assume that they are available at your beck and call. They have done their childrearing and they are not obliged to do it a second time around! Most working grandparents will be amenable to being the ‘back-up’ and will welcome quality time with their grandchildren, but on their own terms. Remember, what is crucial in all relationships is the need to communicate clearly and to be respectful of one another.

      Family Life and Homework

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