Your Daughter. Girls’ Association Schools

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СКАЧАТЬ that in time they can make their own informed choices. It should provide accurate information and a safe forum within which to explore values and attitudes, guarding against misinformation and intolerance. Ask your daughter’s school for details so that you are aware of how SRE fits into the overall PSHE scheme.

      At junior school level, perhaps from Year 3 (age 7) onwards, it may be that SRE focuses on the ‘relationships’ element, building on what the children know about friendships and families. They may be encouraged to reflect on and learn more about feelings and behaviour. When discussing families, they may well have the opportunity to consider the different kinds of family that we find in contemporary society, and there may be some exploration into how to cope with changes in our families, something that growing numbers of children need to learn. At age 7 onwards, children may also be taught the correct names for all parts of the human body. Later in the primary school years, girls may learn about growing and changing, about puberty and what this means, the onset of menstruation and how feelings change with the arrival of adolescence. By the end of Year 6 (age 11) and the last year of primary education, it is probable that pupils have received lessons about love and what a loving relationship is, the part that sex plays within a loving relationship and basic information about sexual intercourse, ‘safe sex’, birth control and birth itself.

      If you have a daughter of junior school age and you know what is being discussed in SRE and at what stage, you can supplement this in your own conversations with her, find out what she feels about the things she is learning and whether she has any questions about them. It should be possible to do this naturally and relatively easily, without the sense that you are having an ‘important discussion’ and telling her things for the first time.

      Parents can request that their daughters are withdrawn from SRE lessons if they feel uncomfortable about what is taught, how it is taught and at what age, and parents who wish to do so should contact the school to discuss it – but be careful. We may feel a natural impulse to protect our children and to worry about them growing up too quickly. However, we do have to accept that ignorance is much more harmful than knowledge, that this curriculum is all about giving children information to help them to make wise choices, and that ultimately we have to educate children rather than try to shield them. We need our daughters to have the skills and knowledge to enable them to cope with reality, rather than attempting to keep it at bay. There is no evidence that giving information early leads to early experimentation; in fact, the reverse is more likely to be true – shrouding sex and relationships in mystery can do more harm than being open and honest with our children. In addition, consider how your daughter might feel if the other children realise she is sitting out of these lessons.

      As girls move through the secondary school years from age 11 onwards, these topics are likely to be revisited in an age-appropriate way so that girls are helped to understand the changes in their bodies and emotions. They need to develop healthy self-esteem and the confidence to resist negative peer pressure, or pressure they may feel from the way in which sex and relationships are portrayed in the media. They should develop the range of skills they need to make choices and decisions they feel comfortable with at the right time for them. They will learn about contraception, sexually transmitted infections, homosexuality and women’s health issues. Again, talk to your children about what they are learning and how they feel about it. You may well find they are far better informed than you were at the same age.

      In summary, good schools and caring parents help to construct a responsible framework within which our sons and daughters will make their own choices and decisions, and even, at times, their own mistakes. Parents know we cannot live their lives for them, but by communicating openly with them and working together with our children’s schools, we can educate them wisely, and nowhere is this more important than in their education about happy and healthy relationships.

      Why haven’t I got a boyfriend?

      Why do girls feel the pressure to have boyfriends earlier than parents might wish? The problem may be that girls often want to conform. They don’t want to stand out, which can lead to them wanting to wear the same clothes, follow the same music and share the same enthusiasms as their peers. Having a boyfriend can seem like a badge of honour – something those they admire and look up to have – and they want to be included in this particular club. They want to prove that they’re ‘normal’ – that they are as popular and attractive as other girls. It’s also a trend, like following a fashion. It gives them something to talk to other girls about. It adds drama to their lives and it imitates adult behaviour.

      Girls are very much interested in relationships of all kinds – they care far more about friendships than boys generally do (which is why fluctuations in friendship patterns can cause girls such pain). Moving into the world of boyfriends (and attracting the envy of those who are still outside this ‘magic circle’) is important to them. But as is the case in later life, being with the wrong partner is not preferable to being alone. Girls need to be helped to see that you start going out with someone because you are strongly attracted to each other (and it has to be mutual) and you want to spend time together. It isn’t a question of first wanting a boyfriend and second seeing who is available who might fill the vacancy.

      Girls have to be able to feel sufficiently good about themselves, to value themselves enough, to wait until the time is right. They need to be supported to resist the pressure to measure their popularity according to whether or not they have a boyfriend. Help them to see what you value them for – to appreciate their own qualities – and how they owe it to themselves to wait for the right person and the right time. It will be worth it.

      I’ve got something to tell you . . .

      ‘How can I tell Ben I don’t want to see him any more?’ It’s easy, isn’t it, to respond to this question in a supportive and practical way. ‘How can I tell him I like somebody else?’ This takes more careful thinking. ‘How do I tell him that “somebody else” is another girl?’ This may be more challenging than anything you have experienced before.

      When you have already seen your daughter through several romances, of varying levels of seriousness, this one may come as a shock, to say the least. The young person that you thought you ‘knew’ suddenly shows a facet to her personality that is totally unexpected and alien. The temptation is to think that she is not the daughter you thought she was. This is, of course, not true. She is still ‘yours’, still the same person, still the same member of your family. She has merely taken a different turning off the road that you had envisaged for her. It might be a little rockier, but that’s all! It is your role to make sure that she knows you are still there to help her to navigate.

      It is a fact that teenagers inwardly question their sexuality and struggle to find what ‘fits’ them best. This struggle can be a painful one for some young people who cannot reconcile their feelings to what is regarded as ‘normal’. As parents, we have grown to have expectations of our children in all aspects of life. We expect them to exhibit social behaviour that is acceptable; we expect them to achieve their full educational potential; we expect them to develop personal and social skills that will help them to make their way in society. How much of this is expecting them to ‘conform’ to the traditional conventions of society that were relevant in our teenage years? It has taken a long time for our society to learn to accept other ‘differences’ within our midst – disability, gender and race equality. Why should a person’s sexuality be any different?

      There is a strong need for young people to know that we understand their feelings and are willing to help them through what is, inevitably, a confusing time for them. We have to be comfortable in helping them to explore or come to terms with how they feel about themselves. In doing so, we may also need our own support. Feel safe in the knowledge that you are not the first parent to be faced with this challenge; there are many local and national support groups, or you may even find unexpected reassurance from friends and family. Parents of gay and lesbian young people are a great ‘listening ear’. They have heard all the worries, concerns, prejudices СКАЧАТЬ