Your Daughter. Girls’ Association Schools

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СКАЧАТЬ more interesting, but also very much more their own people. Until we realise that our friends are not just toys, or extensions of ourselves, and until we accept that there must be lots of tolerance and negotiation in any friendship, then we never really make lasting friendships. It sounds very much as though your daughter is still caught in a more immature approach to friendship — not because she feels insecure, but because she just hasn’t yet learnt the value of not being able to control other people, but just accepting them for who they are. She may be a perfectionist — not at all uncommon! — and she would bene t from realising that imperfection is sometimes much better than perfection, certainly when it comes to relationships with other human beings. It is worth you speaking to her in these terms, showing her that you understand, and if you have any ‘wise mentors’ around to whom you think she might listen (e.g. your friends, aunts, her teachers and tutors and other parents — possibly even a counsellor), then talk to them and see if they can help you to reinforce these messages. You all want her to be happy, and friendships most de nitely will be a part of this happiness, when she learns to ‘live and let live’.

       Friendships with boys

       Q: My daughter is moving to an all-girls’ school in September, but I am worried about how she will retain her friendships with boys or create new ones as she gets older. She doesn’t have a brother and I don’t want her to become awkward around boys as she hits adolescence. Any ideas?

      A: On a practical level, both you as a parent and your daughter’s school can, and should, create opportunities for natural friendships to occur. If your daughter’s school has a ‘friendly brother school’, then these opportunities are part of the natural pattern of a school: music, drama, Combined Cadet Force, careers events, etc. all provide the natural openings for friendships to develop.

      At home, you can also help by ensuring that activities are not just girl-friendly — for example, badminton or tennis clubs, drama groups and orchestras — and holidays could involve activities with others: adventure holidays, skiing, camping, etc.

      If we teach our girls to be con dent and self-assured, they should be able to create and maintain healthy relationships with anyone they come into contact with later in life. Of girls who attended all-girls’ schools or mixed schools, with and without brothers, it is their inherent character that dictates how they will handle relationships — all we can do is give them the experiences that will teach them how to develop.

      Sexual relationships

      Your daughter will face unprecedented pressures as she enters her teenage years – to conform and to compete – and the advice you give her and the example you set her will be crucial. Raising girls in today’s world can seem a daunting prospect. Unsuitable role models, media obsessed with sex and size . . . no wonder your daughter feels under pressure. While every parent would like to shelter their daughter from too much knowledge and experience too soon, it is just not possible to protect her forever. You will want your daughter to make informed decisions and to take care of herself. Although sex is an emotive, sensitive and potentially embarrassing subject it is important that your daughter can turn to you for information and advice.

      Sex education by the wised-up parent

      When Wet Wet Wet sang ‘Love Is All Around’, they probably meant not love but sex. Yes, it’s everywhere – TV, films, magazines, adverts, music, newspapers, novels, the internet – there’s hardly any escaping it, and most of it is aimed at the teenage market.

      Sex is so flaunted, it can’t be a surprise to anyone that many bright youngsters are keen to try it out as quickly as is reasonably possible. When Mae West said of men, ‘I feel like a million, but one at a time’, she was regarded as very ‘outré’. In the 21st century, there’s no need to snigger at the double entendre. It’s all out there, from the casual acceptance of frequent one-night stands in Friends, to the full frontal nudity of Sex and the City (actually rated 15, but the film treat of choice for many 12 to 14 year olds’ birthday parties on its release).

      A striking feature of even the most intelligent teenagers is their inability to foresee consequences. So what can the concerned parent do to help them handle the immense pressure to want too much too young? It’s not easy, without nagging or sounding like the harbinger of doom, but that old chestnut of ‘keeping the lines of communication open’ really is the answer:

      • Watch their soaps with them and give your opinion, then listen honestly to theirs.

      • Check that they really do have proper information – what did the school nurse say about contraception in Personal, Social and Health Education (PSHE)?

      • What can your daughter tell you about sexually transmitted infections? (There are lots of new ones since most parents were young. Let your daughter be the expert in giving you that information.)

      Tell them about some of your anonymous friends’ experiences. Was X’s abortion really painless and hassle-free? How did your colleague cope with the news that she had chlamydia, or worse? The papers are full of stories about ‘love cheats’, but how did that feel when it happened to you?

      Let them know why and when you are worried. Sex was designed by nature to produce babies. Pleasing a current boyfriend is one thing; raising his child for the next 20 years is quite another. On the other hand, pelvic inflammatory disease can lead to infertility, and no babies at all, ever, can be devastating.

      Don’t sit down for a two-hour ‘birds and bees’ session, but chat about these things as they arise, laugh about them when you can and your daughter will be grateful of the chance to discuss issues that might well be worrying her too, with someone who knows a bit more and whom she doesn’t have to impress. You will never stop her having sex but if she can keep you in the loop, it is much more likely to be safer and more at a time when she’s ready than it might otherwise be.

      What should I be telling my daughter about sex, and when?

      The recent debate about sex education and what should/shouldn’t be taught in schools, including the discussion about how much choice faith schools should have in what they teach, may have struck a chord with parents who are themselves debating what they should be talking to their daughters about, and when.

      Sex and relationships education is recognised as one of the trickiest subjects for parents to broach. A 2009 survey commissioned by the Girls’ Schools Association entitled ‘How Well Do You Know your Daughter?’ identified that across the sample of the 1,000 parents of girls who responded, sex education was the most difficult topic of conversation of all. Nevertheless, most of us will recognise that nothing is as dangerous as ignorance, and failing to address the subject, or leaving it too late, could be a high-risk strategy. So what should you tell your daughters, and when, and how might this dovetail with what they may be learning at school?

      Firstly, ensure you know what your daughter’s school is covering and at what stage. Usually, Sex and Relationships Education (SRE), as it is now often called, will be included in Personal, Social and Health Education (PSHE). This will be complemented by what pupils might learn about reproduction in Science or Biology, but it is important that young people receive more than just the biological facts. It is in the emotional repercussions of becoming aware of, and interested in, the opposite (or same) sex that is where the real need for learning and information arises. If we do not provide this in our schools and families, girls, in particular, will turn to some of the dubious teenage magazines on the market, or ‘soaps’, in their attempt to find the answers.

      PSHE is a subject focusing on a range of issues beyond the formal curriculum that young people need to learn in order to lead healthy, balanced lives. The content of a school’s PSHE programme will be suited to the pupil’s age and stage of development. СКАЧАТЬ