It’s Not Me, It’s You!: Impossible perfectionist, 27, seeks very very very tidy woman. Jon Richardson

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      3. Parking: Using what used to be known as ‘hazard lights’ makes it legal to park anywhere. Double yellow lines do not apply to anyone whose operation can be preceded by the word ‘just’. For example, it is illegal to stop on double yellow lines to go to the bank, but it is not illegal to ‘just pop into the bank’. Double yellow lines also do not apply to big men with shaved heads driving transit vans. The ‘I-know-you-are-you-said-you-are-but-what-am-I’ rule states that calling a traffic warden a ‘fucking parasite’ renders his ticket useless with no comebacks times infinity. Traffic wardens are absolutely NOT trying to make it easier to park legally by deterring people from parking illegally; they are generating millions of pounds a second which is used to buy weapons for Middle Eastern despots. Fact.

      4. Motorway driving: The only reason that driving into the back of someone causes damage is because of the gap between the cars which allowed sufficient speed to be built up – ergo gaps cause crashes. The safest thing to do on the motorway is to drive with your front bumper touching the rear bumper of the car in front, so that when they brake, your car will respond instantly. The middle lane of the motorway is known as ‘the driving lane’ and all cars should gravitate towards this lane. The inside lane is a spare hard shoulder, for use by truck drivers and pussies. The outside lane or ‘stud lane’ is for businessmen who have important meetings to go to, or back home from. If you see any car other than an Audi, BMW or Mercedes in the stud lane then you must pull over and use the emergency phone to contact the emergency services.

      5. The speed limit: It is a common misconception that the number shown in circular signs with a red border is the speed limit. The real speed limit is whatever is in the red circle plus ten percent, plus five mph, plus your age. Anyone driving below that should be encroached and, if necessary, pushed along at the appropriate speed. The slower you drive, the longer you will be on the road and the more likely it is that you might have an accident or ‘be accidented on’ by someone else. Cut your journey times – put your foot down.

      6. The most important rule of the Mighway Code is this: Accidents only ever happen to, or because of, other people. You are a great driver; it’s all these other pricks that ruin things for everyone else. That Jeremy Clarkson drives fast and he’s still cool, right? Damn right. Vroom vrooms. Neeeeooowwwm. Maybe I could get a turret fitted to the front of my car then I could shoot baddies? (Make gun noise for an hour.)

      Calming myself down and enjoying the sense of relief as the car in front veers off the motorway and onto the slip road without further incident or retaliation, I glance in my rear-view mirror, just to double-check that there isn’t an ominous looking figure in a jet-black HGV ‘riding my tail’.