I Just Wanted to Be Loved: A boy eager to please. The man who destroyed his childhood. The love that overcame it.. Stuart Howarth

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      Table of Contents

       Chapter One - Growing Up In Ashton-Under-Lyne

       Chapter Two - Trying to Make A Life for Myself

Chapter Three - Falling Apart

Chapter Four - Being Inside

Chapter Five - Release from Strangeways

Chapter Six - Party at the Pub

Chapter Seven - Life on the Outside

Chapter Eight - Self-Medication

       Chapter Nine - The First Steps

       Chapter Ten - The Babysitter

       Chapter Eleven - Meeting My Real Dad

       Chapter Twelve - Burnt House Farm

       Chapter Thirteen - Waiting to Die

       Chapter Fourteen - Living with Geoff and Sue

       Chapter Fifteen - Housecleaning the Soul

       Chapter Sixteen - The Pity Party

       Chapter Seventeen - Family Therapy

       Chapter Eighteen - Strangeways in the Dock

       Chapter Nineteen - Learning to Understand the Past

       Chapter Twenty - Under Pressure

       Chapter Twenty-one - Please, Daddy, No

       Chapter Twenty-two - Pushed to the Limit

       Chapter Twenty-three - Crying on Live TV

       Chapter Twenty-four - Losing My Surrogate Dad

       Chapter Twenty-five - Staying Clean

       Acknowledgements

       Copyright

       About the Publisher

       ‘What fucking time do you call this?’ Dad snarled as I crept in the door. ‘You're fucking late.’

      I glanced over his shoulder at the clock and could see that I wasn't late. It was seven o'clock exactly, the time he'd told me to get home. If I got back before then I'd be in trouble so I always timed it exactly to the minute. ‘I'm not. It's …’

      The words dried up as he rose suddenly from his chair, his lip curling the way it always did when he was angry.

       ‘Sorry,’ I pleaded, as his fist caught the side of my head, knocking me into the wall. I crumpled to the floor. ‘No, Daddy. Please don't.’

      He kicked me in the side and I curled in a ball with my hands cradling my head. It was no use, though. I was hauled up by the arm as he kicked and punched me ferociously then hurled me against the door before pulling me back up for more.

      I was only seven. There was a loud buzzing noise in my head, the noise I always heard when I was terrified. He threw me round the room, laying into me wildly with his fists and feet, not caring how badly I got hurt.

       When he'd finished beating me he shoved me towards the stairs. ‘Go and get yourself cleaned up, you filthy bastard. I'll be up to see you in a bit.’

       My legs were trembling as I climbed the stairs. Why did I always make him angry? Why couldn't I get it right?

      I washed my face then went through to my bedroom, every bit of me aching. I considered hiding inside the walk-in wardrobe but I knew it would make things much worse if he had to haul me out. Instead, I crawled under the covers and pulled them up to my chin. I buried my face in the pillow and that's when the sobs came.

      I knew what would happen next. Even as I cried for Mum, my sobs muffled in the pillow, I was listening for him coming upstairs. Bile rose in my throat as I worried about what he would make me do this time. The waiting was horrible. I could already smell the rancid, stale-sweat smell of him and СКАЧАТЬ