100 Of The Best Curses and Insults In Spanish: A Toolkit for the Testy Tourist. Chuck Gonzales

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      You almost sigh with delight as your waiter brings over the tapas you ordered, but just at that moment, a mom and five screaming kids plunk themselves down at the table next to you. Bad enough that they’re ruining the ambiance, dropping peanuts like confetti, and blocking your view of any potentially attractive strangers, but one wily tween has the nerve to come over and pluck an empanada right off your plate.

       What to do:

      You could ask to move to another table or calmly tell the mother she needs to do a better job of controlling her hell niños, but really, this is between you, the pastry, and the prepubescent bandido. Think back to the playground days when some bully stole your Frisbee or ice cream cone. You know the rules about sticks and stones breaking bones, but words never hurting? Well, a few choice words in this situation will at least make YOU feel better, even if it leaves the mocoso (brat) scratching his head. The payoff will come later when he asks an adult what you meant.

       What to say:

       TIENES MÁS MORRO QUE UNA LATA DE CALLOS CADUCADA.

      Literally: “You have got more snout than a tin of tripe past its sell-by date.”

      Basically: “You’ve got some nerve.”

       Why it’s okay to say it:

      The little thief will know you’re mad, but he won’t know exactly what you meant, which will make you a foreboding enough presence that he’ll stay away from you and your lovely stuffed pastries for the rest of the evening.

       In the know:

      It’s more socially acceptable to lightly discipline other people’s offspring in Europe than it is in our “kids know best” environs where play dates and strollers reign. Back in the Old Country, the idea that children should be seen and not heard is still fairly in vogue, a convention that would surely please your grandmother. You’re well within your rights to explain to the mother what happened, but let’s face it — you’ll have more fun stooping to the kid’s level and hurling an insult or two his way. And you may need the practice: kids are perfectly welcome in bars in Spain.

      EXTRA CREDIT

      Picking on someone your own size is always a good idea, but sometimes you just can’t resist. And why would you want to? Here are some schoolyard insults to keep in your back pocket:

      TONTO meaning “dumb”

      IDIOTA meaning “idiot”

      IMBÉCIL meaning “moron”

SITUATION #2: REVENGE OF THE YANQUIS

      You’re having a great time at a Mediterranean restaurant in Valencia, except that you keep overhearing the wait staff loudly referring to you and your friends as los yanquis. True, you’re downing Coca-Colas like you spent the day in the Sahara desert, and your brother-in-law’s outfit screams Boston suburbia. Still, given how hard you’ve tried to blend in, you feel insulted by the undeserved pet name.

       What to do:

      Switch to English-only, talk about baseball and hot dogs, point to exotic dishes other people are eating and scrunch up your face in disgust, ask your waiter if they have any apple pie for dessert, and, on your way out, try to get a rousing version of the “Star Spangled Banner” going. (Be persistent; people may not join in at first, but never forget the famous Marseillaise scene in Casablanca.) Finally, just as you are about to slip out the door, double back, go over to your waiter, and let it rip.