To Have and To Hold. Anne Bennett

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      Carmel looked at the priest, her eyes glistening with tears and said. ‘It’s trouble of my own making, Father, for I think I must tell Paul our friendship is over.’

      ‘And why is this, my dear?’ the priest asked gently, sitting down beside her.

      ‘It’s because of something from my past. Something no one can help me with.’

      ‘I see,’ the priest said. ‘And this thing—was it something you did, something you could confess, get forgiveness for and put behind you?’

      ‘It wasn’t anything I did, Father.’

      ‘But you are not responsible for the sins of others.’

      ‘I know that deep down, Father,’ Carmel said. ‘It’s just…I can’t expect Paul to…He’s going to be a doctor, Father.’

      Father Donahue had seen Carmel in the church a few times with Paul and had been delighted that she had found herself a good Catholic boy. Carmel’s duties prevented her from doing more than attending Mass on Sunday and Holy Days and she had been unable to go to any social events where she might meet other Catholic young people.

      When he expressed this regret not long after Carmel made herself known to him, she had told him not to worry; that she didn’t intend marrying anyone. He had hidden his smile, though he did say she was young to make such a momentous decision. He couldn’t help thinking, however, that a doctor was a good catch for this girl, whom the nuns had told him came from one of the most desperate families in Letterkenny.

      Suddenly the priest knew what Carmel was talking about because shame and degradation were mirrored in her eyes and he said gently, ‘Carmel, I know the sort of home you come from and the sort or rearing you had.’

      Carmel’s head shot up and she looked at him in sudden alarm.

      He went on in the same soothing voice, ‘The nuns told me. They thought I should know.’

      ‘Oh, Father,’ Carmel said, and the tears began trickling down her face. She covered her face with her hands and moaned.

      The priest took hold of those hands and pulled them from her face as he said, ‘Come, come now, Carmel. Don’t distress yourself like this. There is no need. Have I ever treated you differently because I had this knowledge?’

      Carmel made an effort to control herself. ‘No, Father, you haven’t,’ she said. ‘In fact you have always been kindness itself to me. But that isn’t the same everywhere. In Letterkenny, for example, there were many there who looked down on us and I can’t expect Paul to want even friendship from the likes of me.’

      ‘Are you ashamed of your family, Carmel?’

      ‘Aye, Father,’ Carmel said. ‘And ashamed of being ashamed.’

      ‘Then be ashamed no more,’ the priest said. ‘Pity them instead. Take responsibility just for yourself. Seek out your young man and tell him about your background and see what he says.’

      ‘I couldn’t, Father,’ Carmel said. ‘I couldn’t bear it if he despised me.’

      The priest gave Carmel’s hands a small shake and looked deep into her eyes. ‘He will never despise you. The love he has for you shines bright in his eyes and that will not be dimmed when he hears how you were reared. Carmel, you owe it to him to tell him.’

      ‘You really think so?’

      ‘I know so. And you speak of friendship—is that all you really want from Paul?’

      ‘Yes, Father,’ Carmel said. ‘As I said, I never intend to marry.’

      ‘And how does Paul feel?’

      ‘He admitted last night that he loves me, Father.’

      ‘And you can’t feel the same?’

      Carmel shook her head and the priest said, ‘I know that I am a fine one to talk about love. But sometimes you have to open your heart and see what God wants for you in the future. I had to open my own so I could hear him calling me to the priesthood. Maybe you are approaching this with your head only, giving reasons why it isn’t sensible to become involved with someone, when really a person’s heart is often a better indicator of what will make them happiest and bring the greatest fulfilment in their lives.’

      ‘So you think I should keep seeing Paul?’

      ‘Not if you continue to feel only friendship,’ the priest said ‘That way only pain and anguish wait for him and, knowing you, even as well as I do, you will feel guilty for the hurt inflicted. However, the stumbling block in all this is your background and your home in Letterkenny. You must tell Paul. Give the man a chance and then see if it makes a difference to the way you feel.’

      ‘All right, then,’ Carmel said with a sigh. ‘I will be guided by you, but it will be the hardest thing I will ever do.’

       CHAPTER SIX

      Over the next few days Carmel didn’t see Paul to speak to. Any time they had off never fell together and, anyway, he was in the throes of studying for his finals, as Chris was. So Carmel and Lois were thrown together quite a lot, for Jane and Sylvia were courting strongly. Carmel had admitted to Lois what had happened on the walk home after the pictures, and some of what the priest had said, omitting all mention of her background.

      ‘So how d’you know you don’t actually love Paul, then?’ Lois asked.

      Carmel shrugged. ‘How would I know? How does anyone know?’

      ‘Well, do you think about him a lot?’

      ‘It used to be just now and then,’ Carmel said. ‘But he’s rarely out of my thoughts at the moment.’

      ‘And can you imagine life without him, if he wasn’t here, or if he got on with someone else?’

      Carmel had to think about that and eventually she said, ‘Yes, when I suggested Paul see other people, as I couldn’t feel for him the way he wanted me to, it gave me quite a pang to think of Paul with another girl, and that quite surprised me. Yes, I would miss him if he was no longer around, if he wasn’t an important part of my life. Oh God!’

      ‘You have answered your own question,’ Lois said, and hugged her in delight. ‘You are in love with Paul and I know he is besotted with you. I tell you, Carmel, if I can’t have the man myself, there is no one I’d rather he take up with than you. You’ll still have to be careful, though, for if Matron gets one sniff of romance between a junior doctor and one of her probationers they’ll likely be “wigs on the green”, as my Uncle Jeff is fond of saying.’

      But, Carmel couldn’t think about Matron or anyone else. All she could take on board was love for Paul awakening in her and the joy and wonder of it. The thing spoken about in literature and poems, and sung about in ballads and laments down through the centuries, and the one thing she thought she would never experience because she wasn’t going to allow herself to. Oh, how she had underestimated the power of that emotion, she realised. Then she remembered СКАЧАТЬ