How to Win at Feminism: The Definitive Guide to Having It All... And Then Some!. Reductress

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СКАЧАТЬ least partially. There are said to be nine circles of hell specifically designed for women who make social or professional faux pas. Save yourself from eternal punishment by reading this list. You’re not on here, are you?

       FIRST CIRCLE:

       Women who don’t participate in group texts

      This is Limbo, for women like you who leave everyone hanging. You were specially selected for a hilarious thread about something that pertains to all of you (usually something cray-cray an ex-friend posted on Facebook). You were called upon, and you failed to answer that call. You’ll spend forevermore asking strangers if you can borrow their charger.

      Notable residents: Estelle Getty, most succubae

       SECOND CIRCLE:

       Women who post hideous pictures of other women on social media

      You’re a hot girl with a brand new iPhone, an itchy trigger finger, and no sense of other people’s vanity whatsoever. Even if your friend just went through a breakup and needs all the rebound-attracting pics she can get, you’d still post a shot of her mid-yawn, with the caption, “I love my beautiful friend!!!” Your punishment is having large-scale portraits of your weird elbow skin posted online every hour on the hour. Repent!!!!

      Notable residents: Cleopatra, your Aunt Jill

       THIRD CIRCLE:

       Women who bring chips to a potluck

      First of all, potluck means cooking. If they wanted to throw a party where everyone bought 7-Eleven chips at the last minute, they’d have called it a “Let’s All Give Up” party. Plus, all those who made salsa, hummus, or artichoke dip are already bringing chips, so there’ll be lots of crunchy waist-killers left over to tempt your host. This is a crime punishable by an eternity of trying to quietly chew something crunchy in a crowded lecture hall.

      Notable residents: Mary Todd Lincoln, that girl Jess from work

FOURTH CIRCLE:

       Women who never have cash

      Unless you have an ATM phobia, there’s no excuse for not having at least 20 bucks on you, especially when your ass knows it’s brunch o’clock. Your sniveling pleas of “Can I just Venmo you?” and “They take cards, right?” have echoed in businesses everywhere, from scoop shops to Moroccan rug markets. Until the end of time, you’ll be forced to split $25 restaurant checks between eight different credit cards. And yes, they’re all Chase Sapphire. Burn, wench!

      Notable residents: Joan of Arc

       FIFTH CIRCLE:

       Women who play-slap your shoulder way too hard

      Ugh, we get it, you’re a brassy gal who loves a good laugh. That doesn’t give you license to ruin trivia night by dislocating the shit out of someone’s shoulder. This circle of hell is full of broads like you, who can’t accurately express their laughter without assaulting someone. You’ll spend eternity trying to push a boulder up a mountain while TVs everywhere play your least-favorite episode of Roseanne.

      Notable residents: “Unsinkable” Molly Brown, Gertrude Stein

       SIXTH CIRCLE:

       Women who cancel at the last minute

      There is no girls’ night you won’t skip, no baby shower you won’t “forget” about, and no wingman duty you won’t weasel your way out of. Everything you type into your phone autocorrects to “OMG totally forgot, so sorry to back out!!!” Prisoners of this sorry place are doomed to wait at a wine bar alone until the universe folds in upon itself.

      Notable residents: Helen of Troy, Nefertiti, Mary Queen of Scots, pretty much all queens

SEVENTH CIRCLE:

       Women who only carry applicator-free tampons

      Your friend asked if you had a tampon she could use, not, “Hey, do you have a fun excuse for me to finger-fuck myself in this Chili’s?” Her polite, confused smile clearly means, “I’m now going to shove a wad of toilet paper in my underwear. Thanks for nothing,” but still, you give her a smug “You’re welcome.” Your unrepentant earth-friendliness will have you spending the afterlife with bloody fingernails.

      Notable residents: Dara S. from your high-school tennis team, Bonnie Parker (of Bonnie and Clyde)

       EIGHTH CIRCLE:

       Women who claim to be “still full”

      Look, we all do adorable things so that guys will have sex with us. We sing beautiful songs, we volunteer with the elderly, we even bleach our buttholes. But it’s too low of a blow to start rhapsodizing about your “huge lunch.” That shit is in the past. We are at a barbecue right now, and it is time to dine. No woman can compete for D with a girl who’s painfully nibbling the corner of a watermelon wedge. You’re doomed to be in a long line for plastic cutlery for all time.

      Notable residents: Marie Antoinette, that girl Becca from camp

       NINTH CIRCLE:

       Women who say “Awww!” at you

      Your friend mentions something slightly vulnerable: she got through a whole hot yoga class without going into child’s pose or is thinking about signing up for Match.com. A nongarbage person would say “Cool!” but you slither into the conversation with the most condescending sound ever: “Awwwwwwww!” In just one syllable, you have declared: “I am better than you. You are nothing.” Your punishment is to be an adult baby, forever and ever. Awww!

      Notable residents: Your cousin Nina, Marilyn Monroe, Ursula the Sea Witch

WARNING: CURVES AHEAD

      Abandon hope, all ye who enter here—because feminism is hard! This is your last chance to turn back.

      You may think that being a feminist is just your current fabulous life with maybe a few more ponytail days, but make no mistake: achieving feminism is a dangerous quest, sort of like Lord of the Rings.^* Your days will be filled with all sorts of new perils, and some of your favorite things will no longer be acceptable. Choosing to fight the patriarchy is like choosing the red pill over the blue pill, like Neo does in The Matrix.^** The knowledge you’ll acquire can’t be unlearned, and you’ll be tasked with using it to convert those around you. You can’t make a patriarchy-fighting omelet without breaking a few pubic-hair-preference eggs in the process. As Uncle Ben tells Peter Parker in Spider-Man,^*** “With great power comes great hersponsibility.”

      Here are the perils you’ll face once you win feminism.

      Knowing СКАЧАТЬ