How to Win at Feminism: The Definitive Guide to Having It All... And Then Some!. Reductress

Чтение книги онлайн.

СКАЧАТЬ OPINIONY: Being silently furious

       CHILL: Becoming a model!

       You can be a feminist and still be sexy! All you need is a five-foot-nine, 110-pound frame and to be under the age of twenty-two. Be fierce but silent, like a sexy androgynous robot that men want to have space sex with—this is your best chance at making men care about your feelings and listen to your opinions! Not qualified to be a professional model?* Take some super-beautiful selfies. Women who are conscious of their flawless appearance do not seem like angry old hags trying to upset the delicate balance of men’s cultural dominance.

       OPINIONY: Being misunderstood

       CHILL: Writing some poetry!

       If there’s one thing most people can say about poetry, it’s that they don’t “get it” and aren’t paying any attention to it. Sound familiar? That’s just like women and feminism, which is why feminism and poetry go hand in hand! Nod to the patriarchy in subtle nuanced prose or add some verse to spice it up. Bust out some spoken-word floetry about how independent you feel when you squeegee your own windshield at the gas station. When you can be feminist without being disruptive—and sound pleasantly lyrical at the same time—everybody wins! ^**

       OPINIONY: Trying to compete with men

       CHILL: Doing a crossword puzzle!

      What better way to assert your intelligence as a woman than by conquering the dominion of a gridded word game? Take that, patriarchy! Take that, Will Shortz!* The men around you will be none the wiser about how equal you are to them in mental faculties while your feminist spirit rages in the back pages of the newspaper. What’s a five-letter word that this activity isn’t? P-u-s-h-y.

       OPINIONY: Having a long conversation about what your life has been like as a woman

       CHILL: Hosting a book-club meeting!

      The beauty of the book club is that no man would dare set foot in one, so you’re free to whisper about the unfairness of your male coworker’s promotion or the ways Fifty Shades of Grey made you feel things without upsetting your husband in the other room. Get wine-drunk and drunk on feminism in this empoweringly secret environment, free from male sovereignty.

       OPINIONY: Lecturing him on body acceptance

       CHILL: Taking a dance class!

       If you liked the freedom of the book club, but can’t sit still, you’ll love dance class. Strutting your body all over the room is a great way to say to a small group of female and possibly gay male strangers: “Real women have curves!” “Take back the night!” “Women!” and “Oh no, the barf, it’s up coming again.” Yay dance class!

       OPINIONY: Yelling

       CHILL: Drinking tea!

      Nothing supports and soothes a woman’s soul like a good cup of tea. So slide that bra out yo’ sleeve (in the privacy of your own home), sit back on the ol’ fut’, and sip on that good strong-but-sweet feminist chai. And when he just doesn’t get why you “can’t just take a joke,” a relaxing organic rooibos tea can help you meditate on why you’ve stayed in this relationship for so long without starting to hate yourself and doubt your feminine power. Getting in touch with the simple, soulful pleasures of being a woman reminds you that being a woman is not a bad thing, while also leaving him alone for once!

       OPINIONY: Banging your head against the wall in a desperate cry for help

       CHILL: Joining a roller derby team!

       Do you like feminist exercise, but are more violent than graceful? You might be a derby girl! Roller derby is a great way to get together with your strong but still heavily lipsticked gal pals for a little competitive fun. What’s more feminist than knocking other girls out of the way, possibly causing serious injury, so your besties can get slingshotted ahead for points? Bonus: men will love it because they can watch it like a real sport, but there are girls with booty shorts on. You’re tricking men into being feminists! Double win! Points! Go team! So much blood!

      Feminism is so, so, so fun. But nothing puts the brakes on that fun like a man walking in the room and being all, “What is going on in here?” In the event that your feminist activities are discovered, quick diversions include bursting into song, asking him how to fix something in the room, and fainting.

BAD FEMINISTS (A LIST)

      Not all feminists are created equal. Unfortunately, some feminists distract from the real causes (women being strong and beautiful) with lesser, more boring causes (women in STEM).^* As important as it is to model ourselves after the good feminists out there,^** it’s equally vital to separate ourselves from the bad feminists—the ones who give feminism a bad look.

      Bad feminists make feminism look like something to fall asleep to, like your mom droning on about how she does all the cleaning around here. Good feminists make feminism look hot, exciting, and fun, like an HBO series starring a cast of four different (but not too different) female friends who all get laid from time to time or a music video in which pretty girls act tough or pretend to be ugly. Bad feminists make all feminists look bad, which is why we have to call them out on our Tumblr, like, every other day.

      Now that we’ve won the right to vote, we feminists need to focus on the more relevant issues at hand, like being sex positive, feeling fierce during sex, and showing that we women can also have positive feelings about sex. Let’s ditch yesterday’s issues, like birth control, equal pay, and “women in leadership” (whatever that means!), and move our cause forward. And while we’re at it, let’s ditch these bad feminists who are holding us back.

      Hillary Clinton

      Sure, she puts women’s rights at the center of her agenda and champions the causes of women all over the world, but unfortunately she is just too darn unlikable and gives feminism a bad look. Her Twitter is whack!^*** Maybe instead of cosponsoring a fair-pay act, she could try a bolder shade of lipstick that would make people want to see more women in leadership positions? Sorry, Hill, until you turn your vibes around, you’re just a bad feminist!

      Roxane СКАЧАТЬ