Skulduggery Pleasant: Books 7 - 9. Derek Landy

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      “Lenka,” he said softly, “you’ve just blown my mind.”

      Ghastly looked back at Elsie, and shrugged. “And this isn’t even the weirdest conversation we’ve had this week.”

       Redhood took her to the dungeon beneath the Palace, to where darkness was kept at bay by only a few sputtering torches in rusted brackets. The cells were open and prisoners lay within, most of them too damaged or weak to attempt an escape. Those who were strong enough were chained to the walls. The stench of pain and filth and terror made Valkyrie’s eyes water and brought bile to the back of her throat.

      The shackles that bound her wrists were in turn bound to a long chain in an empty cell and that’s where the Redhood left her. She covered her nose with her hands and breathed through her mouth.

      “You get used to it,” said a voice.

      There was a man in the cell opposite. He had long grey hair and a long grey beard and looked like he’d been there for a long grey time. His body was bony and old, and he hung from his wrists but didn’t seem to mind the discomfort.

      “The smell,” he said. “You get used to the smell. A few days here, you won’t even notice it.”

      Valkyrie walked to the door of her cell and looked at him in the gloom. Her mouth opened but she didn’t know what to say. Someone was crying. Someone else was muttering. There seemed to be a light-hearted conversation going on somewhere in the dark, and she wasn’t entirely certain that it was between more than one person. She bit her lip.

      “You’re trying not to panic,” the old man said.

      A ghost of a smile rose from within. “Yeah,” she answered.

      “Keep trying,” said the old man. “You’ll panic soon enough, but at least you’ll know you did your best. Most people panic immediately when they’re brought here, and I think it’s the embarrassment that gets to them in the end.”

      There was something about him, something about his voice, that suddenly clicked in her mind.

      “Grand Mage?” she asked, frowning.

      Eachan Meritorious laughed. “Grand Mage? No one’s called me that for a very long time. You must be older than you look, my dear. What’s your name?”

      “Valkyrie,” she said. “Valkyrie Cain. What... what happened to you?”

      “I’m afraid you’re going to have to be a little more specific with your questions.”

      Her chain was long enough to allow her to step into his cell. “You weren’t always like this.”

      “That’s very true,” he said. “Sometimes they hang me upside down.”

      “That’s not what I mean.”

      “They think it’s funny. I suppose it is, in its limited way. When you’re a guard in a dungeon, you have to make your own fun, don’t you? So, tell me what you did to get thrown in here. Not the most original topic of conversation for a dungeon, I admit, but I’m afraid I’m a little behind on current affairs.”

      “I tried to help someone.”

      “A noble gesture.”

      “I tried to help a mortal.”

      “A futile gesture. Why ever would you want to do something silly like that? These cells are filled with noble and silly people like you, plus the mortals they tried to help.”

      “Grand Mage, I’m not from here.”

      “Sightseeing, are you?”

      “I’m not from this reality.”

      “Hmph,” said Meritorious. “This place didn’t take long to send you round the bend.”

      “I’m not crazy.”

      “I’m not judging you, my dear. Some of my best friends are crazy.” He nodded to the corner. “Take Wallace, for example. He’s crazy as a loon, aren’t you, Wallace?”

      Valkyrie frowned. “Uh, there’s... there’s no one there.”

      Meritorious sighed. “That’s what we long-term prisoners call dungeon humour. You learn to appreciate it after a few years.”

      “I’m not crazy, and I’m not lying. I’m from another reality. Look.” She took out her phone and showed it to him. “This is a phone. See the screen? That’s not magic, that’s technology. That’s mortal technology. Have you ever seen anything like it?”

      “No,” said Meritorious, “but that might be because I’ve been stuck in this dungeon for the last few decades. What does it do?”

      “It lets me talk to people that aren’t here.”

      Meritorious looked unimpressed. “We can all do that, my dear girl.”

      “Yeah, but they answer me.”

      “I’m sure they do.”

      “But not in a crazy way,” she said, getting irritated. “It’s for communication. I can talk to anyone around the world with this.”

      “Wait, wait, wait,” Meritorious said. “Are you talking about a telephone? My dear, I’ve seen a telephone, and while progress is a wonderful thing, there are some inescapable truths. If that is a telephone, then where are the wires?”

      “It doesn’t need any.”

      “And yet you say it’s not magic?”

      “Telephones don’t need wires any more.”

      “Then how does anyone hear you? And how do you dial? Where are the numbers? It’s a very small object to be capable of doing many wonderful things, don’t you think?”

      “It does much more than that,” Valkyrie said, opening up a game and showing it to him.

      His eyes widened. “What wonder is this?”

      “It’s called Angry Birds. Now do you believe me?”

      He took a moment. “Mortal technology, eh?”

      “They’ve been allowed to flourish,” she said, pocketing the phone. “A Dimensional Shunter sent me here. In the reality I’m from, Mevolent’s been dead for a very long time. Without him enslaving everyone, civilisation has evolved.”

      Meritorious nodded. “And this, these Angry Birds, is the pinnacle of mortal evolution?”

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