The Younger Man. Sarah Tucker

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      ‘Yes.’

      Fran stares at me for a bit, then says, ‘Hurt you, didn’t he?’

      I am not going to cry. I am not going to cry. I am not going to cry. I am a hard woman. A strong woman. A tough woman. It was a physical thing anyway. I understand what men are like. What makes them tick. It was just physical. Okay, I thought his children were lovely. And he was lovely when he was with them. And he was lovely with Sarah, too. I loved having breakfasts and lunches and suppers with him. And he was interesting and well read and I liked his taste in music. And he made me laugh. And I’m thinking, visualising him now. And things like this happen. I am not going to cry.

      ‘Yes.’

      A tear trickles down my face. God, so many tears in one morning. I must stop drinking so much water.

      ‘Liked him, didn’t you?’

      ‘Yes, but, well, he had baggage. I do, too.’

      ‘Perhaps. Depends how you package it, Hazel. How well you carry it. You carry yours well. Baggage only becomes a problem when you carry it around and offload it onto those around you. He sounded nice, but he had issues. You talked about him a lot, you know. Your relationship wasn’t just physical. It wasn’t to you anyway. What happened?’

      I tell Fran about the clients. In a matter-of-fact way, without tears, embellishments or use of the B word.

      She listens, sipping her tea, expressionless. She has a good poker face.

      ‘Well, everything happens for a reason. You’re worth more than him. Now hug.’

      We hug. Like friends who’ve known each other for decades hug—without a hint of self-consciousness even in a public place like GoForIt. And a few more tears fall. Silent warm ones, onto her pink cashmere Paul Smith cardigan.

      We finish the teas and bars and order two more teas.

      ‘Apart from Dominic, anything or anyone else new or on the horizon?’

      ‘There’s a new partner who starts on Monday. Joe Ryan. Came from Wilhouse Smyth. Oxford, sharp, good reputation. And young.’

      ‘How young?’

      ‘Like ten years my junior young.’

      ‘Handsome?’

      ‘Can’t really see in his mug shot. No one looks handsome in their mug shot though.’

      ‘You do. Have you met him yet?’

      ‘No, Monday morning, board meeting. 9:00 a.m. We’re all being introduced. You know, usual informal, formal thing. We’ll be working on a case together. The Bensons. Not particularly straightforward. Lots of emotion there. And money.’

      ‘So no difference then really.’

      ‘No. Joe Ryan comes well recommended.’

      ‘Wonder if he’s fit?’

      ‘Business and pleasure don’t mix, Fran. And I want to get away from dating lawyers and barristers. All we end up talking about is cases, past ones of course. It’s a bit limiting. And takes the innocent romance out of the evening a bit.’

      ‘I suppose it’s an occupational hazard. You dated that banker last year.’

      ‘Oh yes, him. The guy I met at someone’s birthday party, invited me to lunch and then proceeded to tell me he has a girlfriend, a five-month-old baby and a very big sex drive and wasn’t being satisfied. So would I be so kind as to relieve his tension.’

      ‘Yes, think you told him to pay for a hooker.’

      ‘In a nice way, yes, I think I did. Disturbing thing is, Fran, that this happened to me twice last year. I’d meet someone, talk to them, and they’d think that I’d be game for sex without the relationship bit.’

      ‘Your problem, Hazel, and it’s always been your problem, is that you’re sexy.’

      ‘A lot of women are sexy.’

       ‘Yes, I know that. Let me finish. You’re sexy and bright and come across as independent. You can look after yourself.’

      ‘I do look after myself.’

      ‘Yes, let me finish. So you’re sexy and independent. Along comes a guy, unhappy with his sex life, but happy with the status quo of his relationship, meets you, thinks you won’t get all emotional on him, because of the way you come across, and goes for it. Problem is, Hazel, you may do a tough woman’s job, wear the blue suit, stand in court and be as cold as they come, but you’re a big softy. And men may see you as ideal mistress fodder, but you’re not a mistress. You’re a wife, my darling. And they’re very different animals. You’re number one, not number two.’

      ‘So what am I supposed to be, all submissive then? Play the little woman when I’m not the little woman.’

      ‘No, be yourself. Always be yourself. Then you’ll meet someone who’ll like you for yourself. Because, Hazel, and don’t take this the wrong way, you’re not what you initially seem. You come across as feisty and confident and together, and you are. You are in many ways, but as your friend I’ve always felt when you’re in a relationship, it brings out the softer side in you. By soft I don’t mean vulnerable. You’re not vulnerable like you were when you were married to David. You don’t attract control freaks quite like you used to. But, and I know you’ll hate me for saying this, because it goes totally against your “I don’t need a man in my life anymore” philosophy, you’re a romantic.’

       ‘Perhaps.’

      ‘No perhaps about it. When you’re out of work clothes, you wear printed floaty skirts. Short ones. Your house is dramatic and contemporary, but it’s feminine. Despite the cynical job you do every day, your glass is always half-full. And that’s why you’re fun to be around. And I’m afraid, an optimist against all the odds makes you a romantic.’

      ‘An optimist perhaps. I don’t see through rose-tinted glasses.’

      ‘I know you don’t. How can you, doing what you do for a living. I think you see more clearly now than you ever have before, that’s why it’s rather wonderful that you still have this faith. Just be yourself, Hazel. The right man will find this charming and find it, you, utterly irresistible. Mark my words.’

      Two more teas arrive. We watch the high-powered aerobics class emerge from the 1 1/2 hour session of stretching, kicking, jumping. They look red and hot and smell of sweaty underwear. Most of them are smiling, high on the adrenaline and the knowledge they won’t have to do it for another seven days. Neither Fran nor I feel guilty.

      ‘And you never know, Hazel, you may meet someone at my wedding. That’s where a lot of people meet their future husbands, so I’m told.’

      ‘I do know. My next client met his future wife at one. Only he was married at the time. That’s the problem.’

      Chapter Three

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