A Song in the Daylight. Paullina Simons

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       Ezra’s Boredom

      Larissa, I told my mother.

       You what?

      I had to. I was losing my mind.

       You told your mother? Why?

      I needed help.

      I told you I would help you.

      I needed a different kind of help, Larissa. I needed counsel.

      I gave you counsel.

      I needed … different counsel. You’re my only friend. You’re like my sister. I love you. But you’re not hearing me.

       Oh, for Pete’s sake. Why would you tell your mother?

      Because there are things you don’t understand, Larissa.

      What are you talking about? I understand everything.

      No.

      Che, you just don’t want to listen to me. That’s not the same as me not understanding.

      It is. I don’t want to listen to you because you don’t understand.

       Che, you’re sixteen years old and still in high school!

      I know.

       You think I don’t know how hard this is?

      No, I don’t think you do. I think you would do what had to be done and wouldn’t lose a minute’s sleep over it.

       Because I knew it had to be done!

      I also know this. But I just can’t do it. You can. Not me.

      Holy cow. What did your mother say? Oh, I can’t even imagine.

      She cried. Then she prayed. For, like, three hours. Then she cried some more. She refused to talk to me until we went to church. Then she still refused to talk to me. She just kept crying. I said I know how you feel, Ma.

      Larissa was now the one with her head in her hands, curled over a desk in her room.

      My mother said she couldn’t believe I would be so reckless.

      I told you that, too.

      I know. You’re both right. Doesn’t help me much, though.

       Did she say anything helpful?

      She said she didn’t know I was being bad when I was out—she thought I was a good girl. She was so upset. How could I have been so careless with my life, she kept repeating.

       I said that to you, too. But how is that helpful?

      She beat her hands against her chest. Did you do that? I said to her, Ma, what are you so upset about? This is about me, about my plans. You should have thought about that before, not after, she said.

       Okay, Ma, I said. I made a mistake. I was dumb. Can’t I be smart now?

      It was too late for smart, she told me. Now it was time for action. Che bowed her head. My dad is semi-retired. Ma said he would take his retirement early and watch the baby while I finished school.

      Che, no. Oh, my goodness. No. Don’t you count at all? What about you?

      She said I could still go to college and leave the baby with them. They would help me.

      But you’d never be free, said Larissa with fear and emptiness.

      Ma said life is a bitch, Claire. Should’ve thought of that earlier. Now it’s too late.

      It’s never too late. That’s the beauty of it. You make a little mistake, and three hundred bucks later everything can still go back to how it was before.

      Che bowed her head.

       It’s not too late!

      My mother wouldn’t even discuss the other thing.

       Why did you have to tell your mother?

       If this happened to you, wouldn’t you tell your mother?

       Never, said Larissa. And who says it hasn’t happened to me?

      Now it was Che’s turn to gape at her friend.

      Just kidding, Larissa said. But even if it did, I’d never tell my mother.

       Che stared at Larissa. Larissa stared at Che. You have to think about it harder, Larissa said. Think about your life. It’s your life, not your mom’s, not your dad’s. Yours. You only have the one. Is this what you want?

      No, said Che.

      You’re sixteeen! It was a mistake. Everybody makes mistakes. You’re allowed one do-over.

       Who said?

      Oh, come on.

      The baby is not going to get a do-over, though.

      Yes, but you are. It’ll be like it was before. Nothing will be any different.

       Larissa, come on, you don’t really believe that, do you?

      With all my heart.

      The whole universe will be different, said Che.

      No, it won’t. And you’ll have your whole life to have another baby. Please.

       Che kept staring at Larissa. You don’t think it’s wrong, Larissa, that a baby be sacrificed so I can live as I like?

       You’ll have another baby!

      You didn’t answer my question, Larissa.

      “Ezra,” Larissa asked her friend on Saturday night, “why do we sit here every week and regurgitate the same old questions on the unfathomable workings of the bottomless universe? Are we really trying to figure it out? Or do you think we’re bored?”

      Why did she sound hopeful? Did she want Ezra to be bored? Ezra, who had an opinion on every subject, could debate СКАЧАТЬ