It’s Just a Date: A Guide to a Sane Dating Life. Greg Behrendt

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СКАЧАТЬ off. Anything that felt bad and made me insecure was worth the effort because if I could just get the person who doesn’t love me to love me then I would know for sure that I am good enough. Good enough for what? Seriously. What is it that I’m looking for and why do I think that this asshole that makes me feel less than or inadequate is not only better than me but has the answers? Why does someone else hold the key to my self-esteem? That’s the revelation I finally had after yet another disappointing quasi-relationship with someone who had such bad qualities that it was almost comical. It takes one of those to give you the proverbial smack up side the head so that you can give your brain a good shake and get all the self-loathing out. You have to continually hit the reset button on your life to make you consciously start making better choices because no one else can do it for you. Look, it’s hard to be in a relationship where there’s an imbalance of feelings. I know it because I’ve been on both sides of that imbalance and neither of them is really that comfortable. At least when you’re the one least invested you don’t feel the panic and inadequacy of when you’re on the losing end of the “Please Love Me Enough” equation. But being uncomfortable in your relationship is symptomatic of not only that you’re in the wrong relationship but that you aren’t in a good space with yourself. Continuing to be in bad relationships where you feel not good enough, unloved, and insecure or anything other than consistently great is like having a gambling addiction. Every day thinking the next will be the turning point where things will stabilize and be great is the same thing as thinking that the next hand of cards is going to make you the big winner when in fact you’re just slowly giving yourself away. It’s denial in a truly profound sense because you participate in it daily and you know it even if it’s only on a gut level that shows itself in the discomfort you feel being riddled with self-doubt.

      It’s hard to say why it took me so long to like myself enough to gracefully refrain from engaging in self-doubting relationships, but once I had figured it out it was an undeniable truth that I could not turn back from. No one knows better than I do about me and because of that I don’t need anyone to validate me. I am free. I am powerful. I am worthy. I am lovable. And people around me know that I know that about myself. It only took me ten years to get there but because I got there I found the best relationship for me and now I get the rest of my life to feel good.

      THOUGHTS FROM MAN CITY

      What attracts a man to a woman? Cleavage! The End.

      Okay that’s not really what I want to say. It’s really an almost impossible question to answer. Probably because the answer lies in what each individual man is looking for. There are things we know for sure, sex appeal is very high if not at the top of the list. Men are visual creatures (see the Internet for details). Confidence is also high on our list because it can almost completely make up for any shortcomings a person has in the looks department. Then there are things like personal style, work ethic (yes, contrary to popular belief some men like a woman they have to compete with), religious beliefs and favorite bands. But my note to you ladies is, WHO GIVES A SHIT? Finding out what we like won’t help you unless you like it too. If you want to be in a great relationship then I suggest having a great relationship with yourself. We are only going to like you if you like you, and if you don’t we can tell. And some of us will prey on those weaknesses for our own pleasure. Do I have to explain or do you get it? When you compromise your values or your needs for our pleasure or attention we will always sense it and eventually leave. It works both ways. Anytime I ever gave up who I was to procure sex or attention it always ended badly (see It’s Called A Breakup Because It’s Broken for further details). The only reason a person compromises themselves is because they don’t feel strongly enough about themselves and are looking for another person to fix it for them either sexually or emotionally. That’s why it is imperative that you get to a place where you like yourself even if just for the added bonus of weeding out the creeps.

      

DATING FORTUNE COOKIE

      Sexy beats cute, smart takes sexy, funny wins the pot … and confidence body-slams them all.

      WORST DATE EVER

      I never understood what I was doing wrong on dates until I went on a date with myself. Let me explain. About a year ago I met this guy on a chair-lift skiing in Lake Tahoe. It was a long ride and on it I learned that he lived in San Francisco like I did. He asked me out or rather hinted that he would like to ask me out but he said he was too shy. I thought it was a kind of a cute way of asking/not asking me out. I know how you guys feel about that stuff but he was really cute so I helped him ask me out and we went on a date. It was the worst date I’d ever been on. We had dinner at this really nice restaurant in the Embarcadero in San Francisco. It was all going okay but he was very down and hesitant about things and everything he said about himself was negative like, “I don’t know, I’m not really that smart” “I used to be fit but now I’m in terrible shape” “My life’s not really that interesting” or “You’re probably used to dating better looking guys.” Here he was this handsome skier with a great job in real estate and all he could do was tell me what a loser he was while putting away drink after drink and getting more and more depressed. It bugged me a lot but then I finally realized that it bothered me because I had been guilty of doing the same thing for as long as I could remember. Constantly selling myself short, putting myself down for God knows what reason and falling apart on dates. You know what I found out? It’s a big turn-off. No one wants to date a conceited ass but who wants to date the person that thinks so little of himself? It was the very first time in my life that I realized that I’m a beautiful skier with a great job and despite what I’ve spent years telling date after date after date, I’m kind of a catch. I didn’t see him again but I did see me and what a terrible date I had been for the first time, so the date wasn’t a total loss.

      IT’s JUST YOUR F*#KING HAPPINESS

      Your happiness is the most important thing in this life. If you are not happy you are of no use to anyone else. Look, no one is happy all the time but if you are at least in the pursuit of happiness then that is what ultimately will make you appealing to the kind of man that not only wants to stick around but is also fun to be with. The point is you have to figure out how to be happy no matter what the cost and we can tell you right here and now that happiness won’t come from another person. It will come from the tiny victories and the big goals. And ultimately if you find happiness you may find that you don’t need a man in your life, or if you do find one he is simply an addition to a life well lived.

      The Original World Famous Winner Dater’s Workbook

      It’s time to get serious about reclaiming your self-esteem. Whatever your personal zenith was, whatever the time in your life where you were totally ruling, winning and firing on all cylinders—that’s where the answers are to reclaiming your self-worth. That’s where your self-esteem was the highest, when you were projecting that into the universe and having the most personal success. You have to go back to the point in your life where you felt the very best about yourself and figure out how you got there, what was going on for you then that isn’t now and how to get yourself back into that space. To find a great relationship it’s imperative that you of all people believe all the best things about yourself again and figure out why those СКАЧАТЬ