The Last Year Of Being Married. Sarah Tucker

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СКАЧАТЬ live in a house I particularly like. Actually, I hate it. I don’t live in a town I like. Actually, I hate that, too. And I don’t particularly like his parents. His father is okay, but his mother is—well, cold. Shit, I sound ungrateful.’

      Kim—‘No, you’re just being true to yourself.’

      Sarah—‘I sometimes wish Dad were still here. He gave me really good advice. It’s nearly four years since he died. Don’t know if he ever knew I was pregnant with Ben. Tried to tell him in hospital, but don’t think he could understand me. He would have loved his little grandson so much.’

      I’m fighting back tears. I don’t want to cry. Not now. Not about that. Not in public. I’ve got too much else to worry about. Kim senses it and leans over the fish ’n chips to hug me. I think—Don’t cry. Don’t cry. Think of something that will stop you from crying. Someone that makes you anaemic emotionally. I know, Tony Blair. Visualise Tony Blair sitting on the toilet. Great, that’s done the trick. Tears stop immediately.

      Kim tucks into her cod and chips. I don’t have an appetite. I think my stomach has shrunk, so after two mouthfuls I’m full. Then…

      Kim—‘Sarah, I think he’s got someone else. I’ve been thinking. It’s obvious. He wants space suddenly. Clean underpants. Coming back late and drunk. No sex. Bringing up things from the past. Why bring them up now? The things he says—they all say the same things. I’ve heard this all before, with other friends. It’s fucking spooky, really. As though men have all read the same books. You’d think they’d be smarter, but they’re not.’

      I redden. And start to feel very hot. Because deep down I know she’s right, but don’t want to believe it. I don’t think even visualising Tony Blair on the toilet will work this time.

      Sarah—‘Perhaps.’

      Kim—‘Sarah, women run from a relationship they’re unhappy with, but men tend to run to another woman. Men don’t leave—emotionally or literally—until they’ve found someone else to look after them. Someone to lean on. It’s in their nature. They’re weak; they need the support. Paul is like any other. Just out of interest, how much time do you spend with Ben and how much with Paul?’

      Sarah—‘More with Ben, of course.’

      Kim—‘Well, then. Paul’s even further down the pecking order.’

      Sarah—‘That’s obvious. Ben is three. Paul is thirty-five. Slight difference.’

      Kim—‘The more I get to know men, the more I think they’re just like toddlers. They want to be looked after. Paul just has more grown-up toys. And probably likes dollies.’

      Sarah—‘He knew what he was getting when he married me.’

      Kim—‘Perhaps he thought he could change you.’

      Sarah—‘You can’t change people.’

      Kim—‘Paul is so arrogant he thinks he can do anything.’

      Sarah—‘People can mellow.’

      Kim—‘No. Their traits usually get stronger as they grow older.’

      Sarah—‘Think so?’

      Kim—‘Yep. If they’re mean, they get meaner. Generous, they become more generous. Seen it in all my parents’ friends. They just go round in circles. Don’t learn.’

      Sarah—‘Do you think I should start cooking for him?’

      Kim—‘God, you’re that worried, Sarah? No, if I were you, I’d just stay the same. Play cool and focus on Ben. And get some food inside you, girl. Sounds as though he’s got someone, but wait until he’s drunk or some-thing. He may tell you then. They usually do.’

      And, looking at my untouched tuna…

      Kim—‘Are you going to eat that?’

      With that, she swaps plates and scoffs the lot.

      Duncan returns.

      Duncan—‘Have you finished, ladies?’

      Sarah—‘Yes, that was wonderful, Duncan.’

      We start talking puff while Duncan clears the plates.

      Kim—‘So, what are you doing this afternoon?’

      Sarah—‘I’ve got to make a deadline, too. I’ve been asked to write a feature for a women’s magazine, and it’s the first break I’ve had with them so I don’t want to screw up. “Where to go for a romantic weekend break.” I’ve got to collect Ben from nursery, and then play with his new bike and stuff for a few hours.’

      Duncan goes.

      Sarah—‘Then welcome Paul home. If he comes home. I’m very worried, Kim. You know, I think you’re right. I think he may have met someone else.’

      Realising I’m about to sob hard, and probably rather loudly, in the middle of a restaurant full of people-watchers, Kim lightens up.

      Kim—‘I was joking, Sarah. Fuck Paul. Who the fuck would fuck him?’

      Sarah—‘I know, I know. But you know what I’m like.’

      Duncan returns with the dessert menu. Smiling at me, then turning to Kim.

      Duncan—‘The apple pie dish has most volume, just in case you’re interested.’

      Kim—‘Thank you. Apple pie, then. And Sarah will have the same.’

      Duncan—‘We do ice cream on the side.’

      Kim—‘Dollop on top will do nicely. Thank you.’

      Duncan goes. Think he’s starting to warm to Kim. We start talking again.

      Kim—‘Why have you stayed with this guy for so long, Sarah? Under these conditions? A girl like you? You don’t have to put up with this crap. He’s been bullying you so long now and you just take it. Do you enjoy that sort of thing?’

      Sarah—‘I’ve got used to it. I’ve become conditioned to it. It’s easy.’

      Kim—‘It doesn’t sound easy to me. It sounds bloody horrendous. You can’t respect this man, Sarah.’

      Kim leans over and holds my hand.

      Kim—‘Sarah, this is no life. You deserve better. You always have. You’re not a trophy wife. You’re more than that. And you’re cheating yourself by staying with this man. You know it and I think he knows it. He’s doing you a favour, Sarah.’

      Sarah—‘I shouldn’t have married him, should I? I shouldn’t have married him.’

      Kim sighs and looks up at Duncan, who’s just arrived with two double-sized portions of apple pie.

      Duncan—‘There we are, ladies.’

      I think he knows СКАЧАТЬ