Love Dharma. Geri Larkin

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СКАЧАТЬ the Speaker of Truth . . .

      Attended by millions of creatures

      I went forth in the Conqueror’s Teaching.

      I have attained the unshakable state,

      I am a true daughter of the Buddha.

      I am a master of spiritual powers

      And of the purified ear-element.

      I am, O great sage, a master of knowledge

      Encompassing the minds of others.

      I know my previous abodes,

      The divine eye is purified,

      All my cankers have been destroyed,

      Now there is no more re-becoming. 4

      It is said that Ambapali was so enlightened that she was able to recollect all of her previous lives, including seeing all the times when she had been a prostitute or a nun. Even in years that were rough, when she had given in to desire and submission, she also saw how she had been capable of tremendous generosity and kindness until, in this lifetime, she had become a true daughter to Buddha’s teachings.

      Personal Wholeness

      When we accept that we are responsible for our own lives, miracles can happen. One of them is that we start shedding all the “shoulds” and start to see our “suchness,” or who we really are beneath all the masks and roles. We start to feed the suchness, and the more we feed it the 3 happier we become.

      Every year I sit down to write a vision of what I expect my life to be in five years—an authentic life without “shoulds,” without masks. On a blank piece of paper I write the following categories down the left side of the page:

       home

       work

       relationships

       art

       spiritual effort

       what else?

      Then I give myself ten minutes to write about each topic. For the category “home,” the writing begins with the phrase: “In five years, I’ll live . . .” And then I let her rip. Whatever comes out, comes out. My hand gallops across the page as fast as I can move it. I don’t stop for anybody or anything. This includes grammar, punctuation, and spelling.

      When the timer goes off I start the second section: “In five years I’ll be . . .” That section is about livelihood. Where will the money come from to pay the bills? Next section: “In five years the relationships in my life will include . . .” For art, I write about music, drawing, and writing. Then, “In five years, spiritually . . .” Finally, to make sure that nothing has been left out of the vision, I always end with ten minutes for answering the question “Anything else?” Looks like I’ll have a puppy somewhere in the next three years. His name will be Spot.

      This is a deeply comforting exercise. It offers an instant taste of wholeness and always stirs up excitement in its doing. Best of all, anytime I need to make a decision related to any of these topics, I can always ask myself which choice will move my life in the direction of the vision. In that way the visions become reality.

      There’s more. The exercise itself provides visible proof that not only are we responsible for our own lives, but the very act of taking responsibility opens our hearts so excitement can seep in. This is the same excitement that we feel when our spiritual practice deepens. The two feed each other.

      It was Ambapali’s personal wholeness that was so attractive to the princes and to King Bimbisara—her absence of neediness and her ability to leave any relationship that did not respect her independence as a woman. Ambapali lived her relationships as partnerships, not as subjugation. She was independent, clear about what mattered to her, and fearless when it came to disagreeing with her lovers. When she wanted to care for Buddha and his followers, she didn’t ask anyone’s permission. When she decided to follow him herself, again she asked no one’s permission. When she decided to give him a mango grove, it was her own choice. This independence never cost her suitors or patrons. Ironically, it was the combination of her independence, feistiness, and beauty that kept suitors coming to her door until, as an elderly woman, she decided to take a vow of chastity as a nun.

      Ambapali realized that she was responsible for her own life. Period. We forget that sometimes. No matter what, in the end, you and I are responsible for ourselves. No one else. Not our husbands, lovers, partners. When we admit to this responsibility and embrace it, all sorts of barriers to spiritual growth and healthy relationships fall away.

      Wholeness

      Personal wholeness feeds healthy relationships, because it enables us to let go of our craving to have our partners meet so many of our needs. Back when I was way too young to be married, when I was twenty-three (I now happen to believe that the best age for a first marriage is about thirty), I not only married a hunk of a lover but I also immediately (a) got pregnant, and (b) moved two thousand miles away from my family. Within weeks I was depending on my husband for everything. I couldn’t wait for him to get home from school to ask him about his day. And his answer could never just be “good”—I wanted the minutia. How many students had shown up for each class? What did the professor say exactly?

      What did he think about what the professor said? Did he have any homework? What was it? Would he like some company while he did it?

      To his credit, mostly because his mother apparently raised him to be a martyr, he would answer the questions patiently— every night. Then, after dinner, when all he wanted was some quiet time, I was ready to get out of the house. Could we go to a movie, or for a short hike, or even to the grocery store? Since he was the only person I knew, I fully expected him to go with me, and when he occasionally begged off, I was devastated.

      We almost didn’t make it.

      After a year I was so miserable and lonely that I went back to school—to graduate school—just to be around other people. Suddenly, a marriage that had deteriorated so badly that my husband had fallen into an affair with a fellow student (the bitch), began to pick up again. The affair ended, I spent most of my free time with friends, and we fell in love at a slightly more mature level. What still fascinates me is that he didn’t end the affair until I was psychologically independent—until I had found my own path and rediscovered a sense of wholeness without his help.

      All kinds of partnerships are possible when we are whole. One of the best marriages I have ever known was a husband and wife who literally lived next door to each other. The Portland, Oregon, couple had built two almost identical houses side by side on a lot. They lived independently until one or the other was invited in—for a meal, conversation, a slumber party. She had a job in social work. He was an artist. They had their own friends and a couple of shared ones. Sometimes they took vacations together and sometimes they didn’t. When

      I met them I remember being struck by how kind and considerate they were of each other. Nothing was taken for granted.

      Psychological independence keeps us interesting. It protects us from potential abuse because, as independent women, staying in a relationship is always a choice. It feeds a confidence that can be sexier than the perfect body.

      RELATIONSHIP СКАЧАТЬ